“So in the carriage, you were—” I gesture to his clothes.
“I was doing my job, protecting Jatin. We both thought you were some commoner, like a four, at most, burning out in an act of heroism.”
“A four? Pshh, I should be offended. That was intense orange magic. So Jatin didn’t know then?”
“No, neither of us even guessed.”
“So when did he find out?”
“I believe it was the night you guys fought that ship full of Vencrin. I tried to tell him this was ridiculous. Believe me in that.”
Jatin had known my identity for weeks.For weeks.I try to make sense of Jatin as I know him now compared with back then and in his letters. Blood, he’s changed. And yet, in some ways he hasn’t changed at all. I should have figured his arrogant smile and masterful casting could belong only to a raja. But he was so…kind. The complete opposite of unfeeling. The Jatin I knew wouldn’t have partnered with me, wouldn’t have followed my lead in fights, and definitely wouldn’t have brewed a potion for my cramps unless there was a way to tease or humiliate me in the end. He was always about being better than me, right? He could never consider us equal. And yet, he did, which means I had my fiancé all wrong.
Even this guard, Kalyan, doesn’t treat me as an equal. And isn’t that what I found most attractive in the man I’ve fallen for? He saw me as nothing other than an equal, his partner.
“But why didn’t Jatin tell me?”
“The truth?”
“No, I want you to lie to me again, for a few months at least.”
“Sorry, I meant whether you’re sure you want to hear this from me.”
That makes me pause. Was it a game, then, a trick? “I need to hear it.”
“Well, Jatin. Well, you know he…” Kalyan stares at me and frowns. “Jatin knew you hated him. You two have been competing for years. I’ve seen some of the letters.” He shrugs. “So as unbelievable as it sounds, he was trying to change that. Trying to get you to be his…friend.”
“He was trying to be my friend?”Was that all?
I walk over to the desk chair and collapse into it. Now I’m mad because that explanation kind of made sense. If I had met the real Jatin at the beginning I might have hated him, just out of spite.
Red tendrils of magic waft from my arms, careening in the air with no directive as my emotions buzz. I go back to the simplest of absolutes to try to re-sort everything I know. This tall man is a guard; the man I love, who wants me only as a friend, is Jatin. I’ve felt awful the past few weeks. Jatin made me think I was cheating every time I fell for him a little more. But he wanted me only as a friend, a partner. And I was the one this whole time saying partners, nothing more.Gods, I’m so ignorant.
“Can I ask you something I’ve been wondering?” Kalyan asks, breaking my raging thoughts.
“What?”
“Why all the secrecy on your part? Why didn’t you tell us in the carriage that you were Adraa?”
On instinct I want to say it isn’t any of his business, but the words stall in my throat. I sigh, trying to process all my horrible decisions since then. There have been so many. “In the carriage I was embarrassed. Later, well, later I wanted to maintain our partnership. I thought he was only a guard. And once he knew the truth, I thought he would look at me like—” I try to find a proper description. “Kind of how you’ve looked at me since I stepped into the barracks.”
Kalyan turns away awkwardly. That’s exactly what I meant. Gods, I am more than a damaged arm, a pretty face, or the heir to the throne. I’m even more than firelight’s inventor, the Red Woman, or Jaya Smoke.
“I never deeply hated Jatin, you know. I just didn’t want to marry him. He was so…irritating.”
“Still is,” Kalyan says, a small smile playing on his lips.
“Where is he?” He and I need to talk. About Moolek. About everything.
“Probably in his father’s study.”
His father’s study. Those words smack into me. I start for the door.
“Adraa?”
I turn around, but itch to run.
“He’s the best person I know. I would do anything for him, even help him in his weird mission to be normal.” Kalyan lifts one pant leg to reveal grayish-white magic attached to his knee and slowly churning in the shape of a calf. “I owe him my life.”
