“It’s fine. Of course, it’s fine.” My words come out in a rush. “I’m happy to come.”
“Thanks. I like having you there,” he says, still stroking my hip. “It’s nice knowing there’s someone in my corner.”
He’s not asking for much. Just for me to show up and clap when he speaks, reminding people of a domestic scene that died out with the Quake. Maybe even before then. But it doesn’t matter. This is about appearances. Plus, Sid will be there the whole time. There’s nothing to worry about.
But when the time comes to leave the next day, I’m shaking so hard I can’t do the buttons up on my shirt. I collapse onto the bed, breathing hard in an attempt to calm myself down.
No one from Astolia will be there. That’s true. But Tom will. I should be thrilled by that idea, since I no longer have to fake liking Sid. We could be gleefully affectionate, until even he concedes that our marriage is real. But I’m sure he knows that wasn’t my only lie. Even in the comfort of my bedroom, I feel those cold, pale eyes on me, cutting around, trying to draw out a truth that could get both me and Sid in trouble. I can’t go. I can’t face him. My papers are a mess. He could suspend my sanctuary case with enough demerits, no matter what Sid says.
Sid knocks on the door. The waver in my “out in a minute!” must give me away, because he comes in. He takes one look at me, half dressed and white as a blizzard, and that’s it.
“Why don’t you get some rest?” He bends to kiss me on the forehead.
“No, I’m coming. I said I’d be there. And I’ll be—”
“We’ll try again next time.”
“Sid, wait—” But I can’t follow him without a shirt on, and he needs to catch the wagon into town, so what are either of us to do? He’s gone within minutes and I’m still not ready.
I slam the door to our room shut, furious with him and myself, because he knows. I’m still broken. I’m still the problem that was foisted onto him. Soon, he’ll tell April, or she’ll figure it out on her own, and the two people I care most about will realize that I’ve become the things I’ve always most despised.
Weak. Useless. Defenceless.
FOR YEARS, APRILwas the fearful one. She was the girl who couldn’t hack it exploring abandoned malls, even though we needed to for survival. She used to close her eyes before she fired her slingshot, so terrified of seeing the blood when it struck an animal. Of course, her shots never did. You can’t hit much with your eyes closed.
I made up the difference. I killed enough for both of us. I went into ruins and pulled out supplies. I did every shitty thing I needed to in order to keep us alive, and when she got sick, I made the call to bring us here.
So how is it that this place broke me?
I watch April claw her way through mathematics and new classmates, but I can’t leave this farm without crumpling like newspaper. When Tom said I wasn’t cut out for civilization, I thought he believed I was too dangerous to fit into society. I forgot wild animals usually bite out of fear. The world beyond the acreage is monstrous and I have nothing to defend myself with. So I curl up on the bed like a hermit crab retreating into its shell and wonder when the sounds in the walls will stop haunting me.
When Sid comes home, he hushes my apologies and says things went fine. It makes it worse. I already know I’ve let him down and don’t deserve his kindness, but I must look too fragile to handle criticism. What am I supposed to do to convince him otherwise? Beg him to yell at me?
I don’t know what to say, so I turn my back to him on the mattress, shutting down any further conversation. We fall asleep next to each other, but not touching for the first time since I moved into his room.
By the time morning comes, I feel slightly better. Sunlight is a marvellous thing. I’ve gotten very good over the years at pushing my dark moods away once daylight greets me. Never mind that the only reason I’m awake before the others is that I barely slept. I drizzle extra honey into breakfast and put on my brightest smile.
Wendell looks unnerved when he tastes the porridge. “Sid’s gonna get after us for using so much of the honey.”
I ignore him and gather up three bowls, plus a kettle of mint tea, and carry the lot upstairs to our apartment. I have it all nicely set out on the bookshelf when Sid finally emerges.
“I made breakfast.” I gesture to the display. “Thought we could eat up here. It’s cozier.”
“Feeling better?” he asks.
“We need a table. How do you not own a table?”
“Well, there wasn’t much point, living alone.”
“Sure, but you’re not alone anymore.” I point to where I’ve pushed the seashells and perfume bottle out of the way to make room for bowls and cups. “And coasters! Do you think the exchange has coasters?”
“I don’t know. You want to go check it out?” It’s a small dig, and if he were a stupider man, I might think it was unintentional, but Sid watches me with a wary eye. I don’t know why he’s taking issue with me being nice tohim this morning, instead of when I was sulking all night, but I decide not to dignify it with an answer.
“Morning, April!” I call as my sister shuffles out of her room. He exhales sharply through his nose, but he must understand that I don’t want my shit dragged out in front of my sister.
I try not to notice the way he broods at me over his tea while April tries to convince me that her history teacher is the most sadistic woman known to humankind, all because of a pop quiz yesterday.
After April leaves for school, I make a point of not talking about last night and Sid has the decency to follow my lead. Maybe this problem can fade away. Give it enough time, and I’m sure I’ll get over my cowardice. I’ll attend the next town hall and we’ll never, ever have to talk about that night where I couldn’t bring myself to leave the house for no good reason.
