“I’m sorry,” he says suddenly. “You just wanted someone to listen to you, didn’t you?”
I shove another stack of letters in his direction. “Yes. I did.”
“I’ll try to do better next time.”
“Thank you.”
“Just—please don’t stop talking to me again. Back when you were scared of me—”
“Hey, it’s okay.” I place a hand over his, hoping it reassures him. “I’m sorry too. I promise I won’t ice you out like that again, okay? But… sometimes I need time to think about things before I’m ready to talk about them. Or try to solve them.”
He nods, twisting his fingers into mine like he does when we’re out in public. “I’ll try to remember that. But… it was Hell, Kayla. I never want to be someone you’re afraid of.”
“I’m not afraid of you. We’re still figuring this out. We’re going to have arguments.”
“True.”
His thumb slides across my knuckles, caressing them and drawing a soft hum of pleasure from me. It might have taken us a while to get here, but Idofeel better. Maybe he’s better at listening than I gave him credit for.
“Well… we should probably get back to these letters,” he says.
“Oh! Absolutely.” I pull my hand from his as an unsettling thought occurs to me.
We hold hands all the time when we’re out in public. Obviously, some things are going to turn into habits. But the fact remains that tonight, we did not have an audience. We reached for each other anyway.
I’ve done a decent job of stowing my heart away. A weaker woman would have ripped his shirt off him by now, I’m sure of it. For instance, this morning, Sid took a break from his campaign and stayed home to help on the acreage. The compost piles needed turning one more time before winter sets in. Sid spent several hours forking over the layers of leaves, dead summer plants and kitchen waste, working up a sweat. Maybe I watched as he took off his button down and tied it around his waist, nothing but a tank top remaining. Maybe he even caught me staring and asked, “What are you looking at?”
I smirked at him. “I was just thinking that a guy built like you is going to be absolutely wasted sitting behind a desk.”
He laughed and went right back to work. Every roll of his shoulders or twist of his wrist caused a cascade of ripples, like waves bumping up against the contour of a jagged, gravel beach. Like the waves, they teased at something far greater. His body is a vast ocean I’ve yet to explore.
And I never will. I value Sid as a friend, but there are certain lines I’m not willing to cross. For one thing, Aprilneeds us to stay together long enough for her to become a full citizen. I can only imagine what a mess it would be if Sid and I got involved, only to want to break up, exceptoops!We’re married. I can’t go anywhere for at least two years. Even without April to consider, I wouldn’t do that to Curtis. I promised I would always love him, and I still do.
But as Sid seals another letter shut and I think about his campaign—about the people who might want to prove we have a sham marriage and ruin everything for both of us—sometimes, it feels like we’re ignoring the obvious solution.
It would be so easy to convince people that I’m in love with Sid if I actually was.
AS AUTUMN WINDSto a close, I help Silas plant garlic bulbs in the cool soil. Carlos comes home from school one day, giddy with news. One of his classmates has a barn cat with new kittens, who is supposed to be a very good mouser. After a few rounds of cajoling, everyone agrees he can have one of the kittens, so long as he can keep it from bothering Wendell’s allergies. Each night, the sun sets earlier, so we move our meals inside. James’s guitar echoes off the walls of the kitchen every evening.
One of those nights, I finally meet Silas’s boyfriend. Roger has bushy hair and round-framed glasses that immediately make me like him. He hugs me on sight, because we’re the two “in-laws,” which is hilarious, since our situations aren’t comparable: Silas and Roger aren’t temporary. There’s an easy, time-won affection between them that I learn goes back five years, when Roger tried working as a medic for the border patrol and got assigned to their team.
“It was a total bust,” he says with a laugh. “I was a nervous mess. Don’t know how these guys did it.”
“But something good came of it, right?” I say, servingup carrots caramelized in honey. Carlos and I have been hard at work again.
“Meh. I guess.”
Silas rolls his eyes.
On the other end of the spectrum, James scuttles by with a girl I’ve never met before. I’ve seen him tow three girls home since arriving: a leggy brunette named Jen; a giggly blonde who I never got the name of—and now this girl, who has a black bob. She introduces herself as Alison, but declines sitting down to dinner. James drags her away once he’s snagged cheese and bread from the kitchen.
The next person to bang through the door is April, hair sticking to her face thanks to the rain. When she spots the large crowd gathered around the table, she stops, scanning the room like a rabbit caught in crosshairs.
“Hey, you’re home late,” I say. Tonight was one of her days staying after class for tutoring, but she’s usually home before supper. I was trying to decide how worried I should be and if we needed to establish a curfew for her.
“I know.” She marches around the table, not looking at me, but making a beeline for Sid, who looks up when she taps him on the shoulder. “Can I talk to you?”
He stares at her, slightly bewildered. “Sure?”
