“Kayla?”
A shudder steals down my spine. I look over my shoulder and see Sid staring back, unsure if I want him to approach. After my behaviour last night, I can’t blame him for keeping a healthy distance. It’s almost enough to make me regret what I do next, because I can’t be certain I won’t hurt him again.
“Sid.” My arms reach out, beckoning. A few hours ago, I’d convinced myself evenhecould be lying to us, but in the flesh, my fractured heart sees something different. In many ways, love is nothing but a survival mechanism, something we use to manipulate people into helping us. My throbbing pulse identifies him not as a foe, but as my last chance for defence. If I can make him love me, he’ll have to protect me.
“You disappeared again.”
“I know.”
“You scared the shit out of me when you didn’t come home. And the worst part is, I didn’t know if I would make it worse by looking for you.”
“I’m sorry.”
He takes a single step forward. “April said we needed to talk?”
At least she gave me a chance to explain things to him. Maybe I haven’t lost her completely. I flex my fingers, arms still outstretched, and sure enough, he slides a hand into one of mine. I pull him closer, letting heat flood my body, bidding goodbye to all the other lives I might have lived. This one, with him, is the only one left.
I tug at him, trying to make him sit. “You were right about me.”
“What do you mean?”
“Cult trauma. All of that. I’m screwed up. And… I don’t know if it’s going to get any better. I saw someone today. Someone I thought I escaped a long time ago.”
That gets his attention. Whatever awkwardness might exist between us, it’s less important than what I’m hinting at.
He sits next to me on the bench, and when I tuck myself against his side, there’s only a second’s pause before he gives in and puts his arm around me. “Go on,” he says, voice soft.
I could kiss him. But I hold off, knowing I need to get this out first. I twine my arms around his waist and let the closeness anchor me. “I was born in Port Alberni,” I say. “I lived there until I was nine, when TNS attacked.”
His stomach muscles stiffen, but he doesn’t pull away.
“After that, my parents were desperate to find somewhere safe to live. Mom was pregnant, so… we headed east and joined the next colony we found. Astolia.”
“Astolia?” he repeats.
“Heard of them?”
“Yeah, but…” There’s nervousness in his voice. “They’re a cult?”
“What have you heard about them?”
He shrugs. “Fledgling colony. One of the few on Vancouver Island that hasn’t gone down to TNS, so… Council tries to support them. No one’s ever said anything about them being a cult. But they’re really well fortified for only fifty people, so—”
“Fifty people?” I look up at him. “That’s the estimate they give for Astolia? Just fifty people?”
“That’s what Council reported when they took a tour of it a few years back,” says Sid.
“Shit.” It wouldn’t be hard to make it look true for a day or two. During the summer, most of us led the goats quite far from the colony to pasture on the surrounding hills. If they timed a visit from Salt Spring correctly, there would be no reason for most of the population to know about any alliance. How perfect.
“Were there more than that when you were there?”
“Well over six hundred.”
“Six hundred? Crammed into that tiny compound?”
“Have you been?” I ask.
“No, but I’ve seen the specs. I try to keep up with all our international partners. So, what happened to you?”
