“Kayla, they won’t.”
“I have demerits! If I get more, they’ll suspend my sanctuary papers and then—”
“You’re mywife!”he shouts over my panicking prattle. That word reverberates through my bones. “If you don’t want to say anything, that’s fine. I won’t make you. But they can’t carry you away, because you’ve got a legal right to be here. We’re married and—”
“Are we?” I thread my fingers through his, taking his lefthand, then his right, in mine. It feels like the right moment. I’ve spilled my guts about Astolia. The only lingering question is whether he’ll stand by me. “Are wereally?”
He struggles to clear his throat. “I… I don’t know.”
“You know all the worst parts of me, Sid Charles.” I let my voice drop, low and husky, no longer trying to mask my desire. “Do you still want me?”
He leans in and rests his forehead against mine, so tantalizingly close. “More than anything. But what if—”
I’m done with the what ifs and maybes. This time, when I kiss him, there’s nothing left to restrain me. Speaking about Curtis severed my last tether to him. For years, the memory of being loved sustained me, but it’s not enough anymore. I need this. Like air and water and food, this is essential to my survival.
Sid pulls me into his lap and I let my body melt against his. My mouth roves over his face, kissing his jaw, his cheek, his uneven nose. I want to be touching all of him. The clothes separating his skin from mine bunch uncomfortably between our bodies. I snake my hands beneath his coat, then find my way to the hem of his shirt to touch his stomach. He growls as he moves to kiss my shoulder, and his own hands find their way into my blouse. Buttons pop and he digs his thumb into my navel. A whimper escapes me. I go back to his mouth for more, but a second later, he breaks away.
“We—we need to…”
“Please don’t stop,” I beg. None of my demons can threaten me when he’s holding me and that makes his touch the most precious medicine I’ve ever tasted. “I’m sorry about before. You were right. I was scared, but I’ve always—”
“I mean…” He clears his throat, struggling to regain control. “Maybe we should… take this inside?”
“What? Oh!” I push against his shoulders, stunned. I’vealways fumbled my way into intimacy without thinking about any kind of preparation like setting. Curtis was a summer child’s romance, but maybe I’ve grown beyond that now.
“You know…” A small amount of Sid’s chest hair pokes above the neckline of his shirt, and I tug at it playfully. “I’ve never done it in a bed before.”
“Holy shit.” He lets out a nervous laugh. He’s flushed from his forehead to his neck. “Well… I’m excited to be your first for something.”
He tries to ease me off his lap so he can stand, but I tighten my legs around him, so he rises with me clinging to his body like a possum to a tree. He scoops an arm beneath my ass so that I can hang on him more comfortably, then gives me a withering look. “Kayla. We can’t walk in like—”
“Like what?” I ask, right before cutting him off with a kiss. Despite his protests, he leans in, mouth open and wanting. This man is helpless against me and I love it.
He could probably carry me up to the apartment like this, but eventually, I concede and straighten so that my feet hit the ground. I almost tip over when I touch earth, as if I’ve been in a canoe on the ocean for too long and forgotten how to stand without the sway of his body to anchor me. An anxious bubble forms in my chest. Standing on my own two feet reminds me how frightening the world beyond him is. Astolia and everything it represents is closer than it’s ever been.
I grab Sid’s hand, dragging him towards the house. As we draw closer, I spot James coming over the hill. I drop Sid’s hand. It’s not that I’m ashamed to be with him—but whatever is happening between us is so new and tenuous, I don’t want anyone’s input on it yet.
James’s gaze flicks from my red eyes to the open buttons on my shirt. He smirks in a way that says we haven’tfooled him one bit. “Carlos wanted someone to grab you two for dinner. But… Kayla, I can see you’re still upset about whatever it was and Sid… you’ve got a lot of files to go over, I guess?”
“Go jump in the sea, James.” Sid grabs me by the shoulders and steers me up to our apartment. I’m trembling with a mixture of horror and laughter as we get the door open.
“Oh, you’re welcome. No need for gratitude at all!”
“Wait, James!” I place a hand on Sid’s arm, halting him. “Is April down there?”
“She came down a few minutes ago, yes.”
“Tell her everything’s okay, all right? I’m lying down, but… everything’s okay.” Is that true? I can’t tell. I’m not interested in dragging us off this farm anymore. If anything, this is the one safe place left in the world.
“I’ll keep her away as long as I can.” He winks, and I am equal parts relieved and mortified that a secret like this is in James’s hands.
He disappears into the kitchens. When I turn back to Sid, there’s a thoughtful pinch to his brow.
“You sure you want to do this?”
I grin, remembering the morning we left for our wedding. “I’mnot the one who is going to back out.”
DESPITE MY EARLIERbravado, my heart thuds ominously following Sid into his bedroom. I’ve lived with him since the wedding, but never set foot inside. It isn’t big. Most of the space is taken up by the bed, which is large for one person, but necessary, considering his height. Aside from that, there’s a cedar chest that holds his clothes and doubles as a bench, and a window that lets in a cloudy beam of moonlight. It isn’t late, but the sun sets so early in November, night has already set in.
