"After the hospital he called. I told him there were complications. That the baby didn't make it." She says it flatly, the texture completely rehearsed out of it, a woman who has said this sentence so many times in her own head that it stopped feeling like a lie and started feeling like the truth. "I wanted the door closed. I didn't want him to have any reason to come looking."
I look at the jasmine on the pergola.
"Did it work?" I ask.
"For twenty-six years." She turns her glass in her hands and looks at it like it might say something useful. "He believed me.” A pause. "And then my daughter walked into his life and he had to rearrange everything he thought he knew about the child he lost."
I sit with that. James, whom I've known for thirty years through Nicholas, who came to every Sunday lunch and asked Jade about her manuscript with genuine interest. James had believed for twenty-six years that his daughter had died at birth. He grieved her and moved forward and built a life around that absence, and then she walked into this house on Phoenix's arm and sat across from him at my kitchen table. He knew who shewas. She had no idea what he'd been told. Neither of them said a word about any of it. "I didn't know," I say.
"I know you didn't." Sydney looks at me. "I never told you. We stopped talking before I had to decide what to tell anyone."
That lands. We stopped talking because of me. Because I pushed too hard and said things I couldn't take back and then waited for her to call instead of calling myself, and the months became years and then it was just the life we were both living without each other in it.
"I should have called," I say. "Not that week. But after."
"So should I."
"I knew where you were."
"So did I." She looks at the garden. "I was so angry at you for being right. You said she deserved to know her father and I knew you were right and I hated you for it because I'd already decided and I didn't want to change my mind." She pauses. "So, I left and I waited for you to come after me and you didn’t. I thought you'd chosen Nicholas over me."
"I hadn't," I say.
"I know that now."
"I chose the wrong words at the worst possible time," I say. "You'd just given birth alone, and weeks later I stood in your kitchen and told you that you were being selfish.” I look at my hands. "I've thought about that for years."
Sydney is quiet. A bee comes out of the jasmine and moves off across the garden.
"I was selfish," she says finally. "Not about James—about that I don't feel guilty, I'd do it again. But about Jade. I kept her from the truth because the truth was complicated and I didn't trust her to handle it, which was its own kind of selfish." She turns to look at me directly. "And I kept her from you. I kept her from this." She gestures at the garden, the house, all of it. "Because I was afraid she'd choose it over me."
I look at Sydney, who I’d loved like a sister once, who I’d lost because we were both too stubborn and too proud, and I think about Jade in my kitchen knowing which pitcher is for cream, and Phoenix at the head of the table, and everything built on the rubble of what Sydney and I broke all of those years ago.
"She didn't choose," I say. "You're not losing her to this. You haven't lost her."
Sydney's jaw tightens. Her eyes go bright and she blinks it down and looks away. That’s what she would do in the past trying not to cry.
"She texted me six months ago," Sydney says. "Is James Dupree my father.And I texted backdon't do this Jadeand went to bed and lay there for three hours staring at the ceiling knowing I was wrong and knowing she was going to find out." She pauses. "I didn't call."
"Why?"
"Because I'd been not calling for so long, I didn't know how to start."
I understand that precisely—how time hardens a silence until calling feels impossible, like breaking something that has calcified. I lived in that silence for twenty-six years too.
"We're talking now," I say.
Her face changes. It's not relief, not forgiveness, more complicated and more durable than either. The expression of a woman who has held a grudge for a long time and just put it down and isn't sure yet what that feels like.
"We're talking now," she says.
The afternoon is going golden and somewhere inside the house the clock in the hallway marks the hour. Sydney is sitting on Nicholas's bench in my garden with her wine and her Boston posture and twenty-six years of absence between us, and we are talking.
It's just two women being honest with each other for the first time in a very long time.
22
JADE
