‘Asta, I’m so sorry.’
Asta went to him and took his hands. ‘I’m sorry, too. You shouldn’t have had to make yourself miserable just so that I could be happy. I should have seen it. I shouldn’t have let you do it. That’s never what I needed from you. You know that, right? I found a way toracewithout you, but I never figured out how tolivewithout you. The thought that I did something to hurt you– it killed me. I have been beating myself up about it every day since. Every day.’
A look of panic entered Felix’s reddened eyes. ‘Do you hate me now? Now that you know?’
‘No. Never.’ Asta squeezed his hands, then let go so that he could lift his shirt and wipe his eyes. ‘But can I ask you something?’
The light creeping around the curtains was growing thinner and thinner. Soon they would be in total darkness.
Asta pushed on. ‘Today in the race. The Ricochet. You were testing me, weren’t you? To see if I would drop.’
Felix’s eyes sank to the ground.
Asta took a soft, quick breath. ‘No, you were testing yourself. To see if you would catch me.’ Asta felt as heavy as iron and tired. So tired. ‘No more tests. That’s not how this works.’
‘I know,’ Felix murmured. ‘I know.’
What they had was so fragile, so tender. How easily it could all fall apart.
Asta spoke in a clear, low voice. ‘You asked me, the other day, if I ever wanted to go back in time.’
Felix nodded in acknowledgement.
‘Idon’twant to go back. I don’t know if you noticed, but what we did back then didn’t go so well. I want to try something we’ve never done before.’
Felix looked at her, his expression open and clear.
Asta studied his face. Even under the deep shadows of the half dark, she could see that this was no Felix she had ever known. It was a new one– the real one.
‘Let’s hold on to each other this time,’ she asked the man in front of her. ‘No matter what.’
‘Yes.’ He closed his eyes in solemn agreement, tears spilling down his cheeks. She kissed his damp cheek and turned to pick her race suit up off the floor. She stepped into it and zipped it up. She found her helmet, her gloves. She paused in front of Felix, looking one more time into his eyes the color of a dry summer. Then she left, closing the door gently behind her.
23
Karol Bruce was the first one she saw, stepping out from between the housing units. He had a poisonous, gleeful look on his still-bruised face. Then another cousin appeared on the other side of Asta. Then another. She turned and came face to face with Hummer himself. He was wearing a long, rather soiled raincoat.
Asta could almost smell the gunpowder on the lot of them, the smoke, the blood. They were all looking at her, and yet their eyes seemed to go straight through her, as if she was the illusion of a woman, liable to break apart at any moment.
‘She wins,’ Hummer said.
‘What are you talking about?’ Asta tensed.
‘Tomorrow. You won’t beat her, and neither will he.’ His eyes bored through Asta. ‘If he takes it from her, someone’s gonna pay for it. Could be him, could be you. But you won’t like it.’
‘Who? Take what?’
Hummer made a sour face at Karol, who shook his head in disappointment. Asta looked from one face to another in the failing light, slowly comprehending. Her jumpsuit could not keep the chill of the coming night from sinking into her bones. He wanted her to throw the race.
‘What? No! If she wins, she wins. What am I supposed to do about it?’
‘Seraphin. He’s your responsibility.’ Hummer tipped his head in the direction of Felix’s room. ‘Use whatever methods you like.’ His sneer made Asta’s skin crawl. ‘But stop him.’
‘No,’ Asta said. ‘I’m not going to do that.’ She regretted the words as soon as she saw Hummer’s shoulders tighten.
‘Oh, yes you will,’ he said, his voice soft, almost sing-songy. ‘You know how I know?’
Asta held her tongue.
