“So, you tried to take your life?”
He nods against me. “I don’t think it was a conscious thought. That I wanted to die, you know? I just couldn’t stand the pain anymore. I just wanted to cease existing.”
“Fuck me, Jett. That’s too much for a child. Way too much. Having talent is one thing, but pushing you so hard and fast without checking in on your mental state is neglect. You realize that, right?”
“And still, for the longest time, I blamed myself for everything.” He chuckles bitterly. “Shit, I even blamed myself when my fiancé, Anthony, left me when I was admitted. I blamed myself when he didn’t come to see me when I was better. I even blamed myself when he broke off the engagement in an email.” Jett sits up and swallows, pain evident in his eyes. “He got a new boyfriend one month later, parading him around on his arm like he’d paraded me around at premieres and fundraisers. Anthony wasn’t in love withmeas a person. He was in love with us asa power couple, with my success, and when I was no longer a success, I was useless to him.”
“Jesus, babe. I had no idea. I’m so sorry. What a fucking asshole.”
Jett wipes his eyes before they finally land on mine, hope flickering in the dark brown. “Babe? Does that mean…”
“We need to talk more. I think all our cards need to be on the table. It means I understand. I always did. It means we can work this out as long as we’re honest with each other.”
Jett’s body relaxes. “Okay,” he whispers. He drags his knuckles across my cheek, then brushes away a stray tear. “You’ve always been honest. I admire that about you.”
I huff a laugh and shake my head. “I’m not in your shoes, babe. Not even close.” I stroke his cheeks with my thumbs and press a gentle kiss to his lips, tasting of salt. “Thank you for telling me. What finally made you?”
“You did. I love you so much, Wes. I’m so fucking sorry I hurt you. My cruel words still ring in my head.”
“Forgiven. Totally. Completely.”
He looks at me wide-eyed. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. I love you, too.” I wince. “Sorry that I told you in a text.”
For the first time since he arrived here, he smiles brightly. “I’m not. I’m not entirely sure I’d be here if you hadn’t. Knowing how you feel helped get me out of my head. That and Janelle threatening to kick my ass if I didn’t…”
I laugh and pull him against me again. “I love your sister.”
Chapter 30
Jett
Westaygluedtogetherfor the longest time, kissing until our lips are swollen and our jaws are chaffed from our scruff. There are so many things we need to talk about, but right now we need each other. I came so close to losing the man I love, and I’m never letting him go again.
Wes is in my lap, his hands buried underneath my hoodie, fingertips whispering along my skin. I come alive under his touch, and everything rights itself in my world. I know we’ll be okay because we love each other. Despite the ugliness of my truth, Wes still loves me. He probably understands better than anyone. Maybe it’s not so ugly after all. Maybe it’s human to feel lost at times, to be afraid. Maybe it’s what brought us together. That we saw parts of ourselves in the other. The same longing, the same need to find peace in someone else. The need to stop running.
“I’m truly sorry I hurt you,” I murmur against his lips as we break away for air. “Logically, I knew you’d never break my trust like that, but once the fear takes over…” I squeeze my eyesclosed, still so ashamed of how I spoke to him that morning. How close I came to losing him.
Wes pins my chin between his fingers. “Hey,” he says. “Please look at me, babe.” I blink my eyes open, brown meeting blue. “Will you tell me how it feels when that fear comes?”
“Okay.” I lick my lips. Aside from Doctor Lee, I’ve never told anyone. I don’t have to dig that deep to feel it, though. The underlying anxiety is always there, ready to rear its head. “It’s like a tidal wave, I guess. I can see it approaching, but I can’t move. I can’t run from it, like my feet are trapped in the wet sand, and I’m being pulled down. My body is frozen, and I can only wait for the impact, not knowing if this is when I break again. Sometimes my senses stop working. I get tunnel vision, and I can’t hear anything, just this loud ringing in my head, like an alarm going off or a phone that just won’t stop ringing. I get nauseous, and sometimes I even throw up.” Wes cradles my chin, his thumb caressing my skin in soothing movements. “My body is no longer my own, just a vessel for that monster that lives inside me and wants to consume me. Its end goal is to destroy Jett. To take away my dreams and my future. The people I love.” I pull Wes closer against me, burying my face in his neck. “It’s mostly my father’s voice, accusing and disappointed.” I tremble against him. Wes kisses my temple in silent reassurance. “Sometimes I can stop it from escalating. I have strategies, and mostly they work. I can challenge the voice in my head that tells me I’m worthless and that the world is a better place without me in it.” Wes freezes against me, a sob spilling from his lips.
“I won’t ever do that again, so that you know.” I ease him away and rest my hands on his shoulders. I hate that I’m the reason he’s crying, but I can’t change the past. “I want to live, baby, for you, for my sister and her family. But mostly for myself. I promise.” He nods, his eyes locked onto mine like he’s trying tosee all the way inside me. “The moment I realized you were gone, I wanted you back.”
“Never hold back from me again,” he croaks, resting his forehead against mine. “Talk to me, use me, but never hold back. Don’t push me away again.”
“I won’t. I promise I won’t.”
“And I promise never to treat you like your ex did. I’ll never abandon you like that. It’s not who I am. I love you, Jett, and I’ll always have your back.”
“I know. I believe you.” I hesitate for a moment. “I want you to meet my therapist, Doctor Lee. I’ve told her about you. That I love you. It would… I think it would be good if you met her.”
“I’d love to,” Wes says against my lips, then brushes a kiss against the corner of my mouth. “Anything.”
I kiss him back. “Now tell me everything about your mom.”
He tells me about that day when he was just a young teenager, and his mom had a seizure. Wes was home alone with her and had to deal with everything. He had to call an ambulance, then reached out to his grandparents, who were out of their minds with worry.
