I’d hoped for five thousand at least, but what choice did I have?I didn’t have time to go traipsing all over Keene, New Hampshire, negotiating for more.Ridge was already on my tail, and it was only a matter of time before he realised Carol and Shana had cooked up a scheme to deceive him.Two strangers who’d stepped in to help me pick up the pieces of a shattered life, and I owed them everything.
Apart from Saylor, I had no support network anymore.Ridge had stripped it away until I relied on him and him alone, and I shuddered just from thinking about it.
“You okay, doll?”the pawnshop owner asked.
“Uh, yes.Yes, I’m fine.”I took a steadying breath, and my gaze settled on a cabinet full of cell phones, older models mostly.“If you’ll throw in a phone, I’ll take the three thousand.”
Maybe my sunglasses had slipped again, because his expression softened.
“Tell you what, I’ll throw in the phone and a cup of coffee.Gonna be a cold one today.”
It was.New England winters were hard, and I only hoped I’d brought enough blankets.But if I made it far enough south, as I hoped to do, I wouldn’t have to worry about snow anymore.I smiled a thank-you out of habit.
“I appreciate that.Is there someplace around here that I can buy a vehicle?A cheap one,” I added hastily.
“You want to talk to Mike.Mike’s Motor Mall.He’s a great guy, always has good runners to suit every budget.”
“Is that near here?”
“On Alfred Street, as you head out of town.West of I-95.”
I planned to head in that direction anyway.Then I’d follow I-95 south and pray Ridge didn’t catch up with me.He’d report me missing, of course, but I didn’t think he’d report the car as stolen.Why?Because then either he’d look like a petty asshole, or he’d have to admit to the shortcomings in our marriage.Hey folks, my wife hates me so much she took my Lexus and fled the state.No, he’d tell the cops I’d had a breakdown.Frame himself as the caring husband who just wanted to get me the help I so badly needed.The only saving grace was that the cops didn’t like him very much.All the times he’d sued the police for misconduct had left a river of bad blood between Ridge Packer and the Biddeford PD, the Maine State Police too.But Ridge knew enough shady private investigators that no corner of the United States would be safe for me, and leaving the country wasn’t an option right now because he kept my passport locked in the safe.And the safe was a fancy thing that required his fingerprint to open.
The pawnbroker handed me a cup of milky coffee, and I sipped while he did the paperwork and counted out the cash in front of me.Then I waved goodbye and good riddance to my wedding and engagement rings.Five years ago, when Ridge slid that diamond onto my finger, I’d thought I was in love.Now I realised that I’d been in love with an idea.With a man Ridge was incapable of being.But for a while, he’d put on a good act.He deserved an Oscar.To the temple.
I hated that man.
But more than that, I hated myself.
Hated myself for being such a fool.Hated that I’d been too scared to leave sooner.Hated the tears that threatened to escape at any moment.Everyone thought I had the perfect life, but I was broken inside.So broken.
At least one person was happy to see me.Well, one dog.Shiro showered me with licks when I slid back behind the wheel, three thousand bucks richer, in possession of a prepaid SIM card, and filled with nervous anticipation.
“Let’s see if we can get us a station wagon, boy.”Hisyip-yipsaid he wanted a walk, not a ride.“Once we’re clear of New Hampshire, we can take a break, I promise.”
Yes, I talked to my dog.Some days, that was the best conversation I had.He didn’t complain if dinner was five minutes late, didn’t criticise my choice of clothing, didn’t complain if I cursed, and didn’t set impossible standards for me to live up to.Try to tone down the accent, Jessalyn.You’re in a five-star hotel, not a dive bar.Ridge had suppressed my personality, the essence of what made me, well, me, so effectively that I’d barely noticed he was doing it.Gone was the girl who used to line-dance in cowboy boots, replaced by a Stepford wife.The only part of my past I’d clung on to was my love of cooking, but now I’d have to wave goodbye to that too, at least temporarily.Maybe I’d be able to get a job in a kitchen?Split shifts would be perfect so Shiro wouldn’t have to spend too much time alone, but I’d take anything to get back on my feet.Finding a place to stay would be the first challenge.I hadn’t dared to research in case Ridge caught me, but I knew from watching the news that property prices had gone crazy since I last rented a room, and securing a home would be even harder with Shiro in tow.But abandoning him wasn’t an option.He’d been there for me through my worst days, and I’d always be there for him.
We’d have to sleep in the car for a while, and that was okay.We’d make it through.Somehow, we’d make it through.There were three steps to happiness, Mom had always told me.Find something to love, something to keep you busy, and something to hope for.But over the years since, I’d lost my way.
Sure, there had been brief glimmers of joy, but sadness overshadowed them.Strange how happiness and sadness went hand in hand when there was such an imbalance of power.Sadness stripped you to your bones, and each time it receded, it left so many scars that the good times were hard to remember.Happiness was fleeting, ephemeral, sparkling on the horizon but always out of reach.
But I’d become so, so good at pretending.
My fans all said so.
I wish I had Jessalyn’s energy!
#LifeGoals
Uh, it should be illegal to be that cheerful.
Yes, I’d managed to carve out a successful media career by being faker than a three-dollar bill.At first, Ridge had indulged my “dumb hobby” because it “kept me out of trouble.”But later, when he realised my earning potential, he’d taken the helm and curated my life into an illusion.As for the money?He’d taken that too.We were married.What’s yours is mine, what’s mine is mine as well.
When we met, I’d been on my knees, and instead of helping me up, he’d pretended to lift me and then kicked me headlong into the dirt.
The first message I sent with my new phone was to Saylor.
Me
