Throat closing, I yearned to know why he rejected me. “Why didn’t you come to get me when she died? I was all alone.”
He reached past me, inserting the key into the lock. “Were you, though?”
Feeling as though I weighed a thousand pounds, I trudged my way inside. Instantly, I could tell no one had been inside since I locked it up. It felt as dead as my aching heart.
Styx stood in the living room with an overwhelming sadness. “God, I loved that woman.”
I raised my hands, begging for mercy. Missing her was choking me. Literally stealing my breath. I hadn’t realized how much I’d shoved away the pain until faced with it again. It was like she was here, but not. I can’t explain the torture that was. To smell her, yet know that scent was dead.
Grabbing my chest and my stomach, I circled myself. “What happens now?”
“We go home.”
I am home. The house now felt so much smaller. Every piece of furniture was different because I had grown, in more ways than one. I’m not home. The room—the house—was spinning. I was feeling so misplaced again. “Do I even have a home anymore?”
Styx was now at the record player, holding Noma’s favorite album. “Can I have this, kid?”
I fell into the couch. “You are who she danced for.” The man she loved.
The man who doesn’t love me.
Slowly, he faced me, holding the record to his chest, and he nodded.
I ran to the bathroom and vomited what was left in my stomach and dry heaved the rest.
Styx stood in the doorway as I rested my head on the toilet seat. He said, “I’m going to turn the water back on and get the bleach. She’d be pissed if I left a mess.”
As he walked away, I slumped back against a wall. This was simply too much. I was utterly overstimulated.
Maybe that’s why I stared at the shower, unsure of how many minutes were ticking by, but apparently long enough for the water heater to do its job. I had to clean myself completely from what I’d done, but deep down I wanted more. My soul wouldn’t get the same treatment, the same clean start, like my body, but my soul needed that water just the same.
After crawling to the tub, I turned on the water and let it heat up, watching the sparkles as they greeted me in such a familiar place. I let them drip over my fingers, chest struggling to breathe.
“I need you,” I whispered, and thought of my friend.
Throwing clothes on the floor, I then submerged myself in the spray. As I lathered, soaped my body, and rinsed, I felt her presence nudge me. Hard. Making me wish I could see her?—
Wait.
I shouted Styx’s name as I quickly shut off the water and reached for a towel.
Styx rushed into the bathroom, stopping fast. “What is it?”
“What home? Where are we headed?” I asked as I wrapped the towel around my waist and opened the curtain.
“Lennox’s clubhouse.”
Dad.
Was it possible she would be there? Be real? Waiting for me?
I slowly lifted my gaze to lock with his eyes. Then I swallowed. “Is he?—”
Styx shook his head, a heavy heart behind it. “No, he died that day.”
I guess I knew that, too. I lifted my chin. “He would’ve come for me.”
“Damn straight, kid.”
