Alasdair shook his head in astonishment. He didn’t believe a word I said. I didn’t care.
“Love another? Jerry loves none save ye. Everyone sees the way he looks at ye. What has gotten into ye, lass? Ye have me worried.”
“Grier is back, Alasdair, and Jerry loves her. I saw the two of them together.”
Alasdair jerked back as if I’d slapped him.
“Grier? Why dinna ye tell me that first? We both know she is up to no good. We’ve known that ever since Jerry arrived here. Ye canna trust her.”
“Aye, I know, and now I canna trust Jerry either. I wish to leave here. Will ye allow me to do so? Ye told me once that if ye were laird ye would let me be the woman I wished. Ye are laird now. Will ye keep yer word?”
It was a cruel way for me to persuade him to allow me to make my own decisions. Just like Father, Alasdair’s word meant everything to him.
“O’course, I’ll permit ye, but I doona care for it for so many reasons. Jerry aside, lass, ’tis not proper for ye to travel with a man ye are not yet wed to without an escort, and I willna leave Elspeth while she is with child. MacNeal Castle is verra far from here. If trouble came to ye, there is no guarantee I could reach ye in time.”
I no longer had any concern for my own wellbeing. It was as frozen as every other emotion inside me. “No harm will befall me, and Mary and Kip can stay until we are wed. Would that suit ye?”
It was a ridiculous suggestion by societal expectations, but Alasdair had never much cared about what anyone else thought. As long as someone he trusted was there to watch over me, that was all he cared about.
Reluctantly, he nodded.
“Aye, I suppose ’twill do. Ye do know ye doona have to marry him, lass. If ye doona love him, I wish ye would not. Ye can still send him away and live here until another ye could love crosses yer path. Ye are always welcome here. And ye needn’t worry about the pain Jerry may cause ye. I shall banish the two of them from this territory come morning, and ye shall never see them again.”
I knew I didn’t have to marry, that Alasdair would take care of me until his dying day if I wished it, but Alasdair had his own family to tend to, and it was time for me to go out on my own.
“Aye, banish them, but it will change nothing. I’ve agreed to marry Henry, and I willna go back on my word.”
Alasdair’s arms wrapped around and lifted me into the air as he hugged me. His words were choked and broken as he spoke. Although I couldn’t see his eyes, I knew he was crying.
“This is a mistake, lass. The moment ye realize it, please know ye can come home. There is nothing ye can ever do that will make that impossible. Whatever happens, know that I will protect ye here.”
He clung to me desperately as I hung limply in his arms. I didn’t fight his embrace, but I didn’t hug him back, either.
“Do ye wish me to kill him, lass? ’Twould be a horrible sin, but I will do it if ye wish it.”
What frightened me more than anything else I’d witnessed all day was how long it took me to answer him.
“No, but thank ye.”
The realization that I’d even considered it told me just how much of me was truly gone—locked beneath a fortress I had no desire to unearth.
Chapter 35
Come morning, as we packed and loaded everything onto a dozen different horses, Jerry was absent from the stables. Without a word to end things, he’d left me for Grier.
Mary approached me tenderly, placing a hand on my back as she spoke in soft tones. She was furious at everyone—at Jerry for what he’d done, at Alasdair for letting me leave, at Kip for agreeing that they would come with me—but she was treating me with unnecessary kindness.
“Ye left the dress ye wore yesterday out of yer belongings, but I added it to yer chests, so ye needn’t worry. ’Twill all get better, lass. With time, everything will be better.”
“I know, Mary. I’m fine. Truly. Go and scream at Alasdair and Kip if ye wish it. Once we leave, ye willna be able to.”
She looked at me with the same concerned gaze Alasdair had given me the day before, but I turned away and ignored it until she left.
There were only two people who occupied my mind—two people who even with my frozen emotions, I would be desperately sad to leave—Eoin and Elspeth.
Eoin threatened to break through my resolve most of all. The poor lad was already so saddened and confused from his grandfather’s death that I worried what my sudden absence might do to him. I wanted him to be certain he would see me again.
I found him on the floor of his bedchamber stacking small stones he’d gathered from the woods into piles.
