No.That’s not it.Something changed between our shower together and now.Something I don’t know how to fix, or shove, or stare my way out of.
“I think you were right before, about leaving town.You should.I want you to.It’s better that way.”
His words slice right through my sternum.I think things were better when I didn’t have the answers for what was going on in Liam’s head.
“You don’t get to make that decision for me,” I say with as much force as I can find inside myself.It’s hard to find anything at all when it feels as if my world is sliding out from under my feet.
Why did I think I was finally getting what I wanted?I should have known better.
“Don’t make this harder than it has to be,” he says quietly.“This is why I resisted you for so long.”
“This is why?Because you thought someone might shoot you while they were trying to kidnap me?”
“Something I couldn’t protect you from, yes.”He nods and swallows and licks his lips in a way that makes me think he isn’t telling me the pure, unvarnished truth.He’ll never admit it though, maybe not even to himself.
I remember Liam telling me that when he was in the military, he had to take a polygraph more than once.Apparently they asked questions meant to trap him in lies.When I asked him how to beat it, he told me there were different ways, but the best trick was to convince yourself your lies were true.
That’s probably what he’s doing right now.
I try again, even as cold dread slithers through me.“Liam, it’s over.What happened today can’t possibly happen again.”
“It’s not only that.Like I told you before—I’ve never really been in a relationship.You’re half my age.You’re a kid.We were never going to work, and I didn’t want you hurt.I still don’t.It’s time for you to go, though.It just is.”
You don’t want me hurt.And yet here you are, killing me.
“So, we can learn to be in a relationship together.”I cringe at the hint of desperation in my voice.“And stop saying how young I am.My friend Dean was already a dad at my age.I.Am.Not.A.Child.”
Liam’s sigh is so loud.“I’d bet any amount of money he was in over his head, baby.And so are you.You just don’t know it yet.”
He’s got an answer for everything, doesn’t he?“So, just like that, you get to decide?What if I want to stay?”
My friends are here.My favorite restaurant is here.Liamis here.
Either he’s suddenly really interested in the lamp on the bedside table, or he can’t look at me.Whichever it is, I’m not seeing the emotion I hoped to see in his eyes.They’re hard.Firm.Icy, for such a tropical color.I also know from experience that Liam doesn’t believe in agonizing over things.
You don’t worry about making the right decision,he told me once.Make the best decision you can with the information you have, and then you don’t go back.
“You keep reminding me you’re an adult.”Maybe it’s wishful thinking that his voice has gotten thick and emotional.“You want to stay in Belle Argo?I can’t stop you.But you need to take that mangy little Halloween icon that’s squatting in your bedroom and find somewhere else to live.”
Oh.“I see.”Except I don’t.But I also kind of do.Honestly, I feel pretty stupid right now.All along Liam’s been telling me who he is, and I didn’t listen.Stubborn, like he said.
My eyes burn as I swallow against the need to scream.It takes a few tries before I’m able to push down this ugly, angry thing trying to claw its way out of my throat.
“You’re telling me,” I manage in an almost whisper, “that the guy who dragged me back here from the hospital because I couldn’t be trusted to look after myself is now saying I don’t have a home anymore.”
“You’re a damn millionaire now.Multiple millions.”He clears his throat.Swallows.“That money was a payoff from the government, you know.The money I used for the auction.Zed and I were the only survivors on a mission to take out the home of a known terrorist.Only we were given the wrong address.One house over.Ended up blowing up a bunch of women and children before the neighbor’s goons started launching grenades at us.A fucking bloodbath.I swore I’d never use that money, but I’m glad it went to you.Now you’ve taken the sin away for me.You’ve got the freedom you’ve been wanting.Your home can be anywhere.”
“I only ever wanted it to be with you.”
“I’m not a good person, kid.The bad shit I’ve done extends far beyond the military.”
If it weren’t for the weird buzzing in my lips, I’d think I was dead.Everything else is dull and weirdly numb.I’m standing outside my own body, wanting to beg or scream or punch him in the fucking face.If only I could make my arms move.
“I know exactly what kind of guy you are.I’ve seen what you do.”I think of the falling-apart warehouse.The knife.I overheard part of the conversation.The man had committed multiple sexual assaults but kept avoiding conviction.
“You help people, Liam,” I insist.“You kill the worst guys.I know you do.I know who you are.”
He closes his eyes and says nothing.I guess it’s like he said.He’s made up his mind.
