Now that I’ve dragged myself out of the water, it’s a strange combination of sensations on my skin.The salt water left over from my swim is cool as it evaporates, but it’s a bright, sunny day, and the heat prickles between the droplets of water.
My bag is still in the sand where I left it, my towel warmed up from the sun, and it feels good to wrap it around my shoulders.For a few minutes, I let the breeze dry me off while I stare out at the waves.They’re not too high today.Even still, in late spring the beach isn’t as packed as I’d think it would be.This area is a little more private though, I remind myself.
I almost want to go back out, just so I can let the current clear my mind.
But thatwouldbe dangerous.I was up all night with my friends, drinking and laughing and trying to feel…
Something other than sadness.I’m lucky to have friends like them.Friends who drive out for hours to a little beach town to chase their friend who’s needing an escape.A beach town my mother used to love.
The shell I picked up on my way back to the sand is smooth in my palm.I turn it over as it dries and shake off the grains of sand that managed to hang on.A piece of my hair blows across my face, but I ignore it, not wanting to reach out from under my towel.
That doesn’t last long.At least my hair is still wet.At least it’s easy to dart my hand out and tuck that stray piece of hair away from my face.
My legs ache.It feels like a long way back to the condo.It’s not that far, really.Only a few blocks through town.It’s even acutewalk, past the little art gallery my landlord owns and cafes and a bookstore that’s home to two cats who hang out in the window.But walking across the sand to get to the sidewalk feels like too much for my weary legs, and then getting all the way home…
Too hard.I need a few minutes to collect myself.
I sit down on the sand instead and pull the towel tighter around myself, then tilt my face up to the sun.It’s still early in the day, especially if you’re planning to stay up all night, which I’m definitely not.
Although I might not have much of a choice.No matter how exhausted I am at the end of the day, sleep doesn’t always come.Sadness meets me instead.It’s this weight on all my bones, crushing my body, and the only way to get through the night is to toss and turn and pace around my bedroom.
Last night should’ve had me asleep until noon, but no luck.I still might be feeling the effects of whatever drink Hazel made last night that she called a cocktail, although by now it’s a pathetic buzz with none of the hope it carried with it last night.
Maybe that wasn’t hope at all.Maybe I only wanted to believe it was hope.Maybe I convinced myself that things were looking up, and I was feeling better.It doesn’t seem like that now.I feel small, sitting on the beach, and incredibly lonely, even though my friends are only a call away.They’re getting ready to leave though.They both have to be at work tomorrow morning so they’re heading home.I had them for one night though and I’ll never forget that.We made the most of it.
I rest my face in my knees and breathe, listening to the rhythmic roll of the waves on the shore.I’ll stay here for a little while longer and let the sun warm me up.
The sound of my phone vibrating in my bag gets my attention.
I fumble in my bag until I come up with my phone.
Hazel: Hey girl, how are you?Woke up and you weren’t here.
Hazel: Just checking to make sure you’re not hungover.
Hazel: If you are hungover know it’s not my fault it’s Janna’s because of the shots.
I can’t help smiling at the screen.Hazel’s one of my oldest friends, and it’s just like her to text me the second she rolls out of bed.If I know Hazel, she might not have rolled out of bed yet at all.She’s probably texting me from under the covers of the blow-up mattress I set up on the floor of my bedroom last night.
Luna: I’m ok.
Luna: Just came to the beach for a swim.
Hazel: Oh god already?It’s so early though!
I chuckle as I look at the time.
Luna: It’s almost eleven.
Hazel: Yeah but we were up so late!How did you sleep?
I don’t want to tell her that I barely closed my eyes.I know I slept, but I didn’t feel rested when I became aware of the room again, and then it was too bright outside and my head was too full of thoughts to try again.So I lie.I don’t want them worrying about me any more than they already are.And I don’t want to taint last night.It means everything to me that they came out to surprise me.
Luna: Good!How about you?
Hazel: Slept so hard.Kind of half sleeping still, but I’ll get up if you want company.Did you go far?
Luna: Not too far, don’t worry about me.
