Chapter Thirty: Confessions
After dinner, he insistedon washing the dishes, which was out of character.Normally, I did them because my cleanliness standards were higher than his.I supervised to make sure he was doing them up to code by standing behind him and holding him.It felt good to hold him like that, and he took his time, which was nice because I didn’t want to let him go.When he was done, he took my hand and led me to the living room.On the way, he went for his coat, hanging on the hook by the front door, pulling me with him.
“What?”I said.
“Another present for you.”
“What is it?”
He pulled a bag of chocolate buttons out of his coat pocket.
“Buttons!”I’d mentioned once that I got a bag of them for Christmas when I was a kid, and he’d remembered.
I pulled him close and kissed him.“Thank you.”
“Come on.Let’s pretend to watch TV.”
We arranged ourselves on the couch, with me lying across his lap.I balanced the open bag of buttons on my chest and used the remote to channel surf.
“What do you want to watch?”I said.
“Whatever you want.”He stroked the hair off my forehead.
I settled onAmerica’s Next Top Model.“This episode’s got male models.”I stretched and turned my head to rest on his belly.“You want a button?”
“They’re for you,” he said.
“You never treat yourself to anything.”I fed him a button, and he let me.
His hands wandered, and he started playing with my nipple through my shirt, teasing me.
“You want me to keep going?”he said.
“Yeah, or whatever else you wanna do to me is fine.”
He skimmed his thumbnail over my other nipple, which was seriously distracting.
“I’ve been thinking,” I said.“I don’t think you were the first guy I was ever attracted to.I think I’ve always been bi, but I wasn’t ready to admit it till I met you.”
“Yeah?”
“When I was in my first year at university, I had this roommate, Greg.We spent all our time together, studied together, partied together, ate breakfast together.He bought me my first beer.He taught me to drive stick.Nothing physical happened between us—just the kind of physical stuff that happens between friends, but I really liked him.More than liked.One night, I got drunk, and I told him I loved him.And he said, ‘I love you too, man.’He was drunk too, and we fell asleep in his bed.The next day, he acted like it never happened.Maybe he forgot.Maybe he didn’t understand what I meant.I didn’t have the balls to say it to him sober.Then he got a girlfriend, and she ended our friendship.I didn’t want her to take him away from me.But she did.He was my best friend.”
He lifted the bottom of his T-shirt and wiped the tear off my face, but he didn’t say anything.
“But when I met you, I couldn’t pretend I wanted you as a friend.And I was afraid if I didn’t tell you, you’d walk out of my life like Greg did.”
