“I think we gotta work through some stuff before we get married,” he said.“Like how you feel about me being an actor.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
“Look, Craig, we’re gonna be okay.But only if you trust me.”
“Yeah.”
He clasped my hand under the blankets.
“Maybe I won’t get the part,” he said.“I haven’t auditioned for them yet.”
“What’s the show called?”
“The Heart You’re Dealt.”
I guess it was, since you couldn’t choose who you fell in love with.
“Talk to me,” he said.
“I don’t know what to say.I need to process this.”
He leaned in and kissed my top lip gently.Then he kissed me full on the mouth.He was great at kissing.I couldn’t stay mad at him forever.My hands moved to his waist, and we lay like that, holding each other till I fell asleep.
––––––––
He joined me at mynext therapy session.My therapist was on board with that.We spent the whole hour going through everything.Eddie felt like I was attacking him.I didn’t realize that being an actor was such a huge part of his identity, like being a tap dancer was a huge part of mine.He wasn’t going to budge.And there wasn’t a compromise.He said he’d take the part if they offered it to him, so he was going to do anything they asked.Well, not anything.He had a line he wouldn’t cross, but it wasn’t in the place I wanted it to be.We clearly weren’t going to resolve this in one session, so he agreed to come to my next one after the holidays.
During the session, I felt heard in a way.We weren’t going to break up over it, which was what mattered.But things still weren’t settled.
We went home together on the subway, not talking much, but it was a more peaceful silence than before.At one point, he reached out and clasped my hand.I looked at him, and he smiled.
We had a quiet dinner at home, and that night, while he was in the bathroom, I got the framed photo out of my backpack and put it on my bedside table.
He spotted it as soon as he came into the bedroom.“What’s that?”
I picked it up.“I made it after our cottage trip.”
“Is that me?”He took it from my hand.
“Yeah.I downloaded a still from your honey commercial, blew it up, printed it, and bought a frame.”
It was a picture of him looking up at the camera, face partially hidden behind a big, yellow kite.The picture wasn’t sharp because the video quality wasn’t high.
“It’s my bedside table,” I said.“I can put what I want there.”
“You’d rather look at that than me?”
“Well, if you get that TV role, you won’t be here much.If I’m trying to fall asleep, and I don’t have the real thing here, I’ll need something to jack to.”
“Geez, Craig.”
“What?It’s not like I’m cheating on you with a younger man.”
He put the photo back.“I’m right here.”
I grabbed him around the waist and pulled him onto the bed until we were lying face-to-face.“So you are.”
