I nodded.
––––––––
Bex stayed for threedays.I didn’t ask him to stay after the first night.He decided I shouldn’t be alone.He slept on the couch.He seemed to understand that sleeping in my bed would just remind me he wasn’t Eddie.
He made sure I ate three meals a day, though I wasn’t hungry.We finished his mom’s casserole, and then he cooked.He was a good cook, which was good, because that was another way he didn’t remind me of Eddie.
We didn’t talk much.Mostly, we watched TV.A couple of times, he made me come out for a walk.One evening, he playedWorld of Warcraftwhile I watched.
After three days, Bex went home, telling me that if I needed anything, I should call him.Then I went back to work.I still wasn’t in good shape, but I’d burned through all my sick days and personal days.
Work was awkward.I didn’t know what to tell people about where I’d been, but nobody asked, which was a relief.Maybe my boss had said something to them.
The night after my first day back at work, Ben came over.I think Bex sent him because he was worried about me.I had to break the news to Ben that Eddie and I weren’t getting married.He got so upset that I had to comfort him.It felt strange being on the other side of things.
Things were hard after Bex left.Every now and then, I’d see something that reminded me of Eddie, and I’d start crying.I’d felt lonely before, but not like this.This felt worse than losing him the first time had, because that time, it wasn’t my fault I’d lost him.This time, it was.
A week after I went back to work, I had a meeting with my boss.I’d been planning to do a master’s in his lab, but I figured he wouldn’t want me as his grad student now.Turned out I was wrong.
“Most grad students have a breakdown in the middle of their program,” he told me.“You got yours out of the way before you started.You know you can handle the academic work, and I know you can handle the research.You’ll do fine.”
And he helped me apply for a scholarship.So I got my application submitted before the deadline.I felt pretty good about that.
I settled into a rhythm at work, but things didn’t go back to normal.I never got used to sleeping alone.I kept reaching for him in the night.I tried sleeping on his side of the bed, but it didn’t help.Finally, I rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom so it looked nothing like it had when he’d lived here.Now, when I woke up in the middle of the night, like I did every night, I knew right away this was my world without him in it.
I couldn’t stop missing him, and I didn’t want to.I missed his laugh—his soft chuckle or the full-body laugh that folded him up.Being able to make him laugh like that made life worth living.But it wasn’t only that—having him in my life had made me feel more real.Because he was the only person I’d ever known who really saw me.With him gone, I felt like a ghost, like I could hold up my hand and see through it.
On Valentine’s Day, Bex and I were both single, so Bex suggested I spend the evening at his place.His parents were in Mexico, and his sister was out with friends.Bex had made me dinner, and we were sitting around afterward in front of the TV, when he asked me, “What happened in Timmins?”
“He left.On Christmas Day.”
“What did he say before he left?”
“Nothing.”
“What?He stopped speaking to you?”said Bex.
“Not like that.My parents wouldn’t let me be alone with him.We were all out running errands the first day, then when they had to go out to dinner with their friends, my mom called one of my high school friends over to have dinner with me and Eddie, like a chaperone.I sent her home, but then my parents came back early, just as she was leaving.”
“They didn’t follow you into your bedroom, did they?”he said.
“My mom put Eddie in the guest bedroom.”
“What?”Bex was outraged.“Craig, you’re a grown man.You’ve got a job and your own place, and you pay your own bills.Your mom can’t stop you from doing shit.”
“It’s my parents’ house.”
“Listen, Craig, if I brought my fiancée to meet my parents, and my mom tried putting us in separate bedrooms, I’d get us a hotel room.”
“I spent the first night with him.I went to his bedroom after everyone was asleep.”
“Do you hear yourself?”said Bex.“You were sneaking around like a teenager.For fuck’s sake, spending the night with your fiancé isn’t something you should have to hide from people.”
Eddie had said the same thing.I’d been in bed with him in the guest bedroom the first night after we arrived.My mom had put him in the coldest guest bedroom in the house.We were bundled up under the blankets, and I was holding him, and he said, “Craig?”
“Uh-huh?”
He pulled himself away from me.“Is the reason your parents put me in another bedroom because I’m a guy or because they want to protect their precious little boy’s virginity?”
