The Black Tap Company were more than my friends.They were like family but not the way Eddie had been.No one could take his place.Sometimes when I was at rehearsals, I’d feel Eddie’s presence.I’d spent so long practicing while he watched that I kept expecting him to be there.Then I’d turn my head and get a jolt seeing Craig or Royce or my own reflection.
After what had happened with my parents, I was afraid to come out to my company, but I let little things slip.They knew I used to be engaged but that I was single now.What made me finally come out, though it meant possibly being kicked out of the company, was thinking of him.If they weren’t okay with me being bi, then I couldn’t dance with them anymore.Because I didn’t want to be with people who wouldn’t have accepted Eddie.Even though we weren’t together anymore, I carried him with me everywhere, and I didn’t want to live a life where he wouldn’t be welcome.So, one day when we were packing our stuff in the van to go to a show, I told Donie I was bi.She’d mentioned casually that she’d had a girlfriend for a few years, so I knew I could tell her, and this time, when I talked about being engaged, I said Eddie’s name.And it wasn’t a big deal, so after that, I told the whole company.I guess because of Donie, the company just accepted that I was bi.
And we all went to Pride together.I thought I saw Cub shirtless on one of the floats.I looked for Eddie but didn’t see him.But I didn’t go to Pride for him.I did it for me.And when I got home that night, I saw myself in the mirror, and I looked different.The self-acceptance I’d admired in him the day I met him—part of what had made me fall in love with him—was in me now too.
Afterward, I stitched the little bisexual flag I got at Pride onto my warm-up jacket.
See, Eddie?I’m not ashamed of us.
Not that he’d ever know.
I thought about contacting him, apologizing, telling him what I’d done.Maybe...maybe if I did that, he’d consider getting back together.
Then I got a reality check.
Chapter Thirty-Eight: The Heart You’re Dealt
Istarted to feel betterabout life, less hopeless.Then one day while I was waiting to catch the subway at St.George, I saw a poster on the wall above the tracks.Of him, standing with his hands in his pockets, between a dark-haired man and a blonde woman.His hair was longer—the way I’d wanted him to have it when he’d been with me.The poster read “The Heart You’re DealtThursdays at 9 p.m.”I felt like I’d been punched.
And that was how I found out he got the part he’d auditioned for.I went into the subway bathroom and sobbed for half an hour.I never went to St.George again.I caught the subway from Museum instead.
The second time I saw him was on the cover ofEntertainment Canadawith the headline “Sexy Ugly Is Back!”
Fuck whoever wrote that.
Yeah, I bought a copy.I wanted to see what else the dumbass who wrote the article said.Plus, it had a photo of Eddie on the cover.He looked as sweet as he had in his honey commercial.So what if he was posing with two people I didn’t know: a dark-haired, bearded guy who looked too cool for school and a blonde woman who looked like she should be teaching at one.I cut both of them out of the picture.
The article was stupid.It kept making a big thing out of Eddie being bi, then it called him “cagey” and “prickly” because he refused to say who he was dating.Which gave me hope that maybe he was single.I read the article, searching for clues about his personal life, but he didn’t give anything away.
His show started airing on TV.I knew they were filming it on campus.I even knew where they were filming, because they’d give us a notice when it would be anywhere near my lab building.Once, when they did, I looked out the window, but I couldn’t see him.There were too many people.
And, yeah, I watched the show.Bex told me it was a bad idea, but I needed to see him, to see he was okay.At first, it was...I couldn’t describe it.I’d been looking at old photos of him, and I didn’t have that many, but this was him moving and talking.I knew he was acting.He didn’t quite sound or look the same, but it was still him.Sometimes I’d catch little glimpses of the real him, the way he blinked when he was processing something, the way he put his hand in his pocket or ducked his head to look at someone.He was still there.He was okay.I could relax and stop worrying about him.I didn’t need to keep watching.But, yeah, I did anyway.
The show was about a first-year student, played by him, dating two other students at the same time, a man and a woman.Not just dating them.Fucking them.The show was pretty explicit.This was worse than watchingWanton Townbecause there were multiple sex scenes, and he was obviously in love with his costars.I kept reminding myself he was acting.But I’d forgotten what a good actor he was, and watching him was torture.It was even worse watching him having sex with his male costar, because that guy treated him badly, hurt him on purpose, and Eddie’s character kept coming back for more.
Because he was in a major TV show, there were articles about him everywhere online, which I read obsessively.Then one day, I saw the photo.
