“I don’t know.”How the fuckshouldI know?I’d never been in a situation like this before.Hehad.He should know.
“You still haven’t figured it out,” he said.“You’ve been stringing me along for five fucking months.”
“Then why are you still here?”
“Why the hell do you think?!”he shouted.“I’ve never waited this long for anybody in my life.”
Oh.
“Are you saying...what I think you’re saying?”
“Now you’re getting it,” he sounded exasperated.“Finally.”
I flew up off the couch and seized him in a hug—a real, no-holding-back, squeezing-as-hard-as-I-could hug.Then he was hugging me back, tight.
“It’s okay,” he murmured.“I’m not going anywhere.”
So, he was all mine.
I pulled back just enough to kiss him, and I was sloppy as fuck, but I didn’t care.This was me saying it with my mouth without words.I buried my hands in his hair.I’d been wanting to for so long.He’d been growing it out for me, and it was soft as cornsilk.I could hardly breathe.I had to stop kissing him before I passed out.I stood there heaving like I’d finished a marathon tap number.
“Tell me what you want,” he said.
Like I hadn’t made it obvious.
“You.”
I wanted all of him.I wanted to take all of him in.I didn’t know where to start.I pressed my face into his shoulder and inhaled that caramelized sugar smell.Then I pulled back, and I stroked his skin above the collar of his shirt like I’d just discovered clavicles, my thumbs riding along the bone, and then I slowly pushed my thumbs into the hollows of his shoulders like I wanted them to sink inside him, my body entering his.Then I went crazy, touching him through his clothes, and I was touching another man, but it was him, and he was brilliant, and he felt fucking amazing, and I felt him respond, panting, and it was like a competition to see who could breathe faster.
“What you’re doing,” he said, “feels good.”
“You feel good,” I whispered, because my voice wasn’t working.I pulled him close and said, “You’re so good to me.”Because he’d waited so long.
My arms went around him again, and I felt him up, my hands sliding into the hollow between his shoulder blades, lingering and caressing him, and he felt so wonderful, then I moved my hands down his sides where his ribs were filling in, and then I kissed him, deep, and pulled him against me, and I was moaning into his mouth, and I cupped his hip and moved a little lower and...I couldn’t breathe, and every part of my body that was touching his felt more real, defined by my contact with him, and it was like I’d been living with something dislocated inside me, then he happened, and this, and everything clicked into place, and it felt so right and so good that it was like crying without sadness, just, everything I’d been holding back, everything that had been piling up just burst out of me, and I broke the kiss with a gasp and—fuck.Fuck.Fuck.
I rested my head on his shoulder because I couldn’t look at him.It got all quiet, like the sound of debris settling after an explosion, just the two of us breathing hard.
“I shot myself,” I said.I shut my eyes.“Sorry.”
“I figured you did.It’s okay.”
Then, all the strength just drained out of me, and my knees buckled, but he caught me and held me up, and he moved me backward to the couch, and I collapsed onto it.Then the aftershock hit, and I shook uncontrollably, and he clasped my hand all the way through it.Once I calmed down, he got up and walked away.Less than a minute later, I felt him sit beside me again and pass me a glass of cold water.I had to hold it with both hands so it wouldn’t spill, and I drank all of it.I put the glass down.I felt shivery, like my nervous system was randomly popping fireworks.
“Sorry,” I said.
“Why?”he said quietly.“Seems like you needed to do that.”
“Yeah, actually,” I said.“I haven’t jacked since you moved in.”
“That’s five months!Fuck, Craig.Why did you wait so long?”
“I knew if I did it, I’d be thinking about you, and I wasn’t ready for that.”I sighed.I was still processing what had happened.“Guess I am, now.”
“Was it good?”
I laughed, but it came out like a cough.“Yeah.It’s the hottest thing that’s ever happened to me.I never dreamed it would be that good.You’re fucking incredible, Eddie.”
“You’re not bad yourself.”
