I didn’t know what his ring size was.One night when we were watching another one of his movies (he only had a minor part, but I wanted to watch it to the end to see his name in the credits), I was holding his hand on my lap with our palms pressed together, trying to figure out which of my fingers was the closest size to his, when I realized he didn’t wear rings or any jewelry, or...?
“Eddie?Do you have any tats?”
“No.Do you?”
“No.I’m not into pain.”
“You know,” he said, “we wouldn’t need to have this conversation if we’d seen each other naked.”
I let go of his hand.
“That day I took you to the set with me, when we were in the trailer, I started to take my shirt off, and you looked away.How come?”
“I was uncomfortable.”
“You got a problem seeing people naked?”
“Not people in general.In my old tap company, we all used to get changed in the same room—men and women together.I guess other people saw me naked then, but I didn’t care.And I never had a problem getting naked with my girlfriends.But it’s different with you.”
“Because I’m a guy?”
“Because you’re my boyfriend.”
“It should beeasierbecause I’m your boyfriend.I want to see you naked.Do you not want to see me naked too?You’ve already seen my dick, and that’s the scariest part of me.”
I didn’t know how to explain that if I saw him without his clothes, it would ruin everything.I felt nervous like I hadn’t since before we got together.
“What’s wrong?”he said.
“I dunno.I guess it’s a process, like you said, and part of it’s being exposed and seeing you exposed.It’s easier doing it with our clothes on.Even if it means shooting myself every time we fool around.I can’t explain it.It just feels right to me.”
“Why don’t we take it slow, then?”he said.“Would you be okay taking off your shirt?”
I felt guilty saying no, like I was rejecting him, which I knew would hurt him.But I shook my head.
“What if I turned the lights off?”
“Uh...”
“It’s okay if you don’t want to,” he said.“Do you want me to take my shirt off?”
I looked at the floor.“Only if you want to.”
“I can tell you don’t want me to.Do you want me to take your shirt off?”
“No!”
He flinched.
I’d never snapped at him before, but he was starting to scare me.
“Sorry,” I said.
“How about we just hold each other, and you can put your hand under my shirt and touch me?”
“I could do that.”
He lay across my lap.I let my hand rest on him.It was him.It was okay.We went back to watching the movie.
