“Then sit on the bed.”
I did, and he came over to me, and he cupped the back of my head gently and brushed his lips over mine and then held still with our mouths touching.Which I wasn’t going to sit there and let him do, so I kissed him properly.Then we maneuvered ourselves onto the bed so we were lying side by side and kept kissing.How much would I have killed to be in this position all those weeks we were both working and couldn’t be together?And my eyes were closed, and even though I was in my head, he was in there with me.I was getting pretty turned on, because my body responded to him like that, and he must have been able to tell because he was right up against me, and he said, “I’m gonna do something to help you relax.It won’t hurt.”
“What?”
“I’m gonna put my finger inside you.”He reached over to the nightstand and picked up the tube of lube.“Unbuckle your belt for me.You don’t have to take it off.”
I unbuckled my belt and watched him squirt lube onto his fingers and spread it all over the tips.He leaned over, and with his other hand, he untucked my T-shirt at the back and tugged out the waistband of my boxers.
“It’ll feel wet,” he said.“That’s the lube.If you want me to stop, tell me.”
His hand felt cold and wet as he slid it down the back of my jeans, and I was tensing up.Then when he pushed inwards, I froze.
He pulled his hand out right away.I didn’t have to say anything.
“Sorry.”I felt like a fucking failure.
I heard him get up, and I thought he’d left, but a few seconds later, he touched my shoulder softly and said, “It’s okay.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know,” he said.
He buckled my belt for me, and then he sat beside me on the bed and put his hand on my side.I put my hand over his.
“I pushed you too hard,” he said.
“It was my idea.”
“But I let you build it up as a fantasy fuck when it’s just another thing we’re gonna do together.It’s not a bigger deal than what we’ve already done.”
“You can say that because you’ve done it before.”
“Was your first time with a woman that big a deal?”
The first time I’d had sex was at a dorm party with Kim, whose last name I didn’t remember.My first girlfriend, Deb, who wanted to wait until marriage, had dumped me the month before, and I was feeling pathetic.Kim lived three floors above me, so I’d seen her around.We started talking, drank peach schnapps and Sprite from plastic Disney cups, and then we started making out on one of the lounge couches in front of everybody.Then she said her roommate was away for the weekend, so we went to her room and made out on her bed.Then she gave me a blow job.I didn’t even have to ask.Afterward, I apologized for shooting in her mouth, which was stupid because clearly she’d wanted me to.She’d laughed.Then we made out some more and ended up having sex, and she showed me how to get her off.She acted like it wasn’t a big deal.So it felt like it wasn’t.It was a letdown.It didn’t make me feel cool or confident or more mature.
“I felt like it should have been a big deal because everyone says it is,” I said.“But since you ask, no.Nothing I did with anyone felt like my first time with you.And all I did was touch you and kiss you.I’ve never shot just from doing that before, and I thought,This is it.This is why people talk about how special it is.You changed me, made me what I was always supposed to be my whole life, but I never knew until then.”
It was quiet in the room.
“Craig?”he said, and his hand moved slightly on my side.
“Yeah?”
“Will you marry me?”
The world blinked out for a second, and when I opened my eyes, I was in another world where everything was backward.
“What did you say?”I said, and it came out sounding angry.I sat up.
“Sorry,” he said.“I didn’t mean to say that.”
“Why did you say it, then?”
“’Cause I want to marry you.”I could see from his face that he wasn’t kidding.
“But I won’t let you fuck me.And I’m all messed up from being molested.Why would you want to marry me?”
