I did not want to be paid off and dismissed like some loose end she had finally decided to tie up.
I wanted her love… her acceptance… a chance.
“Thank you very much for coming over,” I said as I stood and looked directly at my mother. My pulse accelerated, and heat rose through me, burning away the numbness. “But I don’t need your money. I just wanted to get to know you and build a relationship with you.” I stepped toward her and placed the cheque back in her hands. “Your message of not keeping in touch was loud and clear.” Then, with a steadiness I did not know I possessed, I said, “And one more thing, you can’t buy back time or a clean conscience with a cheque.”
Her jaw dropped, and her eyes bulged.
I watched them turn and walk out the door in a hurry.
I do not know how long I stood there after that, staring at the space they had left behind, until Maureen came to me, turned me around, and pulled me into a hug.
“You are much better off without her,” she said.
I stood there feeling numb.
Completely numb.
I felt no sadness, no tears, no anxiety.
Nothing.
It was as if every feeling inside me had gone dark all at once.
I had imagined that night in a completely different way. I had pictured hugs, tears, kisses, questions, joy, maybe even healing.
None of that had happened.
Expectations were far from reality.
Walking with Maureen into the kitchen, I shrugged because I did not know what else to do with myself and said, “No use letting all my efforts go to waste. Let’s have dinner.”
Geeta placed the food on the table, and I fed Emma with hands that felt detached from the rest of me.
“Did she not like us, Mama?” Lucas asked.
His question startled me. I had not realized he had been observing everything so closely. I had not realized he had picked up on my emotions.
Cole, Jack, and Maureen all paused while eating.
“What makes you say that?” I asked him.
“Because you’re sad... and they left without eating.”
Pain hit my chest all over again.
My mother’s words came rushing back, crueller now that they were echoing through my son’s innocent understanding.
“Sometimes things don’t work out the way you want them to,” I told him gently, forcing myself to stay calm for his sake, “but that doesn’t mean the person is bad. Sometimes they are just weak and scared.”
“I’m always gonna be here for you, Mama!”
I smiled at him, and deep in my heart I knew that his words were truer than true.
When I looked around the table, everyone smiled back at me, and I felt the comfort of the family I had made, even while mourning the one I had hoped to find.
I did not eat much of the food I had prepared. I managed only a few bites while the others tried to keep the conversation light.
The night ended with apologies and words of encouragement from Jack and Maureen.
