Had gotten hurt. That was it. Shaw was hurt. Which meant he cared.
Hudson was still sitting there connecting the dots when Taylor knocked on his door.
"You okay?" she asked, poking her head in. "I heard you on the phone."
"Yeah. I'm?—"
“Fine,”she finished for him. She gave him a look that said she didn't believe that for a second.
She came in and sat next to him on the bed, tucking her legs under her like she used to when they were kids. "Was that Elliot?"
Hudson glanced at her. Big ears for such a little woman. He didn't confirm it, because Taylor already knew and there was no point pretending otherwise.
"What happened?" she asked.
"He's deploying. Somewhere high stakes. Going dark for four months."
"Oh, Huddy." Taylor's voice was patient and so affectionate Hudson’s throat suddenly felt tight. “Did you tell him?”
"It’s not that simple."
"Why not?"
"Because he doesn't—" Hudson stopped. Stared at his hands. "It's not like that."
"You sure about that?"
He wasn’t sure about anything anymore.
“He called you,” Taylor said. “Right before deploying. You really think he’d do that if he didn't care?"
“Maybe he just… I don’t know.” Hudson let out a deep breath.
“Hudson.” Taylor shifted closer. “How long are you going to pretend you don’t love him?”
He closed his eyes. He didn’t even deny it, because what was even the point anymore. “It doesn't matter.”
“Of course it matters.”
“How? What am I supposed to do, Taylor? Text him and say ‘hey, I know you’re about to deploy somewhere you might not come back from, but just so you know, I’ve been in love with you for five years?’ I can’t do that right now.”
“Why not?”
“Because what if he doesn’t feel the same way? ThenI’m stuck thinking about it for four months with no way to talk to him. Or what if he does feel the same way but something happens to him and—” Hudson’s voice broke. “I can’t. I can’t tell him and then lose him.”
Taylor seemed to consider her words. “Dad left,” she said. “And yeah, that sucked. But some people stay, Huddy. Some people love you back.” She paused. “You’ll never know unless you try. And if you don’t try, you’ll spend the rest of your life wondering.”
She pulled him into a sideways hug. “He called you. He wanted to hear your voice.”
God, Hudson needed that to be true. He needed the five years of stolen moments and careful distance and texts that said nothing to actually add up to something.
But needing it didn't make it true. And even if it was, what the fuck was they supposed to do about it? Shaw was deploying in less than a day. Hudson was deploying in a week. They were never in the same place at the same time, never would be, and even if they both survived the next four months there was no guarantee.
“If you want to say something to him,” Taylor said, standing up, “you should probably do it now. Before he goes dark and you spend four months regretting it."
She closed the door behind her, leaving him alone with his thoughts.
He sat there completely useless for another ten minutes. Then he picked up his phone and opened his chat with Shaw before he could talk himself out of it.
