He fiddled with a loose thread on the pillow case. “What actually happens? If someone finds out about us?”
Us.Elliot swallowed hard. There was actually an ‘us.’
“Formally?” Elliot said. “Nothing, I suppose. Policy’s been gone for over a decade.”
“So nothing happens?”
“I didn’t say that.”
Hudson waited for him to continue.
“Formally, nothing. Informally—” Elliot paused, looking for the right words. “Career trajectories change. Assignments shift. Men who’ve worked with you for years start recalibrating how they see you, whether they mean to or not. It’s not policy, it’s culture. Culture doesn’t change because someone rewrites the manual.”
“Right,” Hudson said.
“Yeah. So… in other words: it’s a risk.”
Hudson gestured to the world outside the window. “But isn’t that the core of what we do? We’re literally out there risking our lives every single day?”
Elliot exhaled. He envied Hudson. Wanting things without calculating the cost first.
When Elliot didn’t answer, Hudson continued. “Some risks are worth it, Elliot. They gotta be.” His eyes were fixed on him. “That’s kind of my entire operating philosophy, if you haven’t noticed.”
Elliot snorted. “Oh, I’ve noticed. Once or twice.”
Hudson crawled over the bed and settled between Elliot’s legs. He took Elliot’s hands in his and ran his thumb over the old Selection scars on his knuckles.
“What about your father?” Hudson said. “If he found out.”
Elliot considered it honestly, which was easier to do now than it would have been a year ago. “I don’t think I’ll see him again. Not anytime soon.”
“Because of the confrontation you told me about?”
“Because of a lot of things that culminated in that conversation.” Elliot looked at his hands in Hudson’s. “The point is, my father finding out I’m gay isn’t a threat anymore. Whatever leverage that had—I think I dismantled it. Not intentionally, but…” He exhaled. “He already thinks I’ve failed him. There’s not much further to fall.”
Hudson didn’t say anything. His thumb kept moving over Elliot’s knuckles, slow and calming.
“You know there was that couple,” Hudson said eventually, “few years back. Two Army Captains, together twelve years. Did a piece for the Times after Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell ended. It went around everywhere—Taylor sentit to me, actually. They had kids. A house in Virginia. The whole thing.”
“I remember.”
“And it was okay. Some people were dicks about it, of course, but most people were fine.”
“Most people.”
“I know that’s not the same asallpeople. But I honestly believe the world is less hostile than you think.”
“Au contraire,” Elliot said dryly. They were literally in a war zone.
“Yeah, okay, fair enough. But am I wrong?”
Elliot thought about Marguerite, who had listened to him come out to her over the phone and only said 'c'est comme ça' before asking what he wanted for Christmas. About Reed, who had walked in on them at Selection and protected them without a second’s hesitation, who had not once in six years looked at Elliot differently. About Taylor Hale, who he’d never met, but who Hudson quoted with regularity, and who had apparently known about Hudson’s feelings before Hudson himself had.
“No. You’re not wrong.”
Hudson seemed surprised, like he’d expected more resistance. He beamed. “No?”
“No. Don’t push it,” Elliot smirked.
