I’ve been through this thought spiral a thousand times. If I’d listened to my gut, I wouldn’t have gone on the trip. I wouldn’t have listened to the guide. I wouldn’t have taken that side trail.
And maybe Liam would still be here. We wouldn’t be married anymore. My brain wouldn’t be scrambled half the time. I probably wouldn’t be in this hospital right now with blistered burns all over my legs.
But I wouldn’t be here, getting ready to move in with the only man who’s ever seen me for who I am instead of who they want me to be.
And I’m not sure I would trade that for anything in the world. Maybe that makes me a cruel man. It means that Liam stays dead, and everyone else who suffered because of me keeps suffering.
“Are you angry with me?” Easton asks.
I drop my hands and realize I’ve been quiet for too long. “Of course not. I’m just sorry I can’t take that pain away for you.”
Easton’s mouth softens. “It’s worth it because it means you’re here and you survived and it’s going to be okay. I just…I don’t know. I guess I need to compartmentalize better.” He stands up and stretches his arms above his head. “I have to head back to the station for a few hours, but North and I will be by after his shift to get you.”
I tilt my head. “I’m not putting him out, right?”
Easton snorts. “No. My precious little people-pleaser best friend has been desperate to get you to like him. Everyone likes him but you.”
“I like him,” I say softly. I want to smile, but Easton’s words are like a terrible little leech, worming into my brain. People pleaser? It’s not a ridiculous thought.
It’s very much like him.
And what if the whole reason this is happening is because I wasn’t nice. What if I’m nothing more than forbidden fruit, and once he realizes he can have me anytime, his appetite for me will be satisfied?
I shove the thought aside for now. There’s no use in catastrophizing this whole thing and mourning what I haven’t lost yet.
Or at all.
“Call me if they want to discharge you before five,” Easton says. He leans over and kisses my forehead the way he used to do when we were a lot younger. “I’m gonna go break something to piss off Rune so I can stay occupied.”
“Will you give that poor man a break?” I call as he heads for the door.
He spins, tugging on a few curls, then he grins all sunshine and dimples. “Mm, nah. Not today.” And then he’s gone, and I’m left to my thoughts.
SEVENTEEN
NORTH
I don’t wantto be here. I want to be at home, on my knees, scrubbing every inch of my floors and ridding the place of every speck of dust. It’s not a total pigsty, but it’s also not very nice, and I know Leo’s used to a certain level of luxury I can’t possibly provide.
I’m also starting to panic because he’s about to see my life in its ugly reality. The fact that I’m broke as fuck. The fact that half my money goes to taking care of my mom. The fact that sometimes I have to leave at a moment’s notice to take care of something she needs, because that’s been my job for a long goddamn time now.
I don’t know how to tell my mom no, and I’m well aware it’s a problem I need to fix in myself. I can’t make my mom better than she already is, and bending to her every whim isn’t helping. But I’m not sure how to stop.
I breathe deeply, then turn to find Rune standing in the doorway with a small frown on his face.
“What did he break today?”
Rune’s lips twitch. “Nothing. I have to make sure all the computers updated, and I just got done with dispatch.” Hesounds exhausted, and he’s walking a little stiffly as he comes into the room and sinks into a recliner.
I think back to our park day, to the man in the truck and the way Rune looked when he was leaving with him, and I feel a pulse of worry.
“So, the other day?—”
“I’d rather not,” he says, cutting me off a little sharply. “It’s nothing personal, but I’m not going to talk about it.”
I lick my lips. “I know you said you weren’t being hurt—” I stop. He didn’t say that. He said whatever I thought it was, it wasn’t.
His gaze flickers to the side, and then he looks at me. “There are people in the world who exist simply to make everything as complicated as possible. He’s one of them. And talking about it doesn’t help. It just makes me hyperfixate on all the things I want to change and can’t.”
