“Okay, man, I’ll let you be. Sorry, I kinda thought you’d want to talk about it. It feels good to be in love, doesn’t it?”
“Does it?” Finally, I turned to look at him.
I felt nothing like his equal, nothing like someone capable of competing on his level. I should have left her alone, taken a step back and let her fall for my much more emotionally mature cousin. He wouldn’t have made her cry. He would have known he was making a mess of something wonderful. He wouldn’t have been too afraid to say he loved her.
He was prepared to stand, leaning forward with his hands on the armrests of his chair, but when he took in my desperate expression, he settled back into his chair with a creak. “What’s going on?”
“I...God, you’re gonna think I’m such an idiot, and I am.”
“Slow down. Just tell me what happened.” The compassionate way he was looking at me was making my throat feel a bit tight. I wanted to hate this newfound power dynamic, where he gently offered me support, and I eagerly accepted.
“I didn’t know I was Fuckboy Lawyer,” I stated as if it would make everything make sense, but when he just looked more confused I forced myself to explain further. “When we started, it was normal. No attachments. Hang out until it wasn’t fun anymore, but it didn’t stop being fun. And...I always want to be around her, and I didn’t know what to do with that. So, I’d run away. Then a couple months ago, she tried to make itmore.”
“And you said, ‘no’?”
“Ididn’t think she meant what she meant. Why would she want me, Derrik? Look at me. I’m a fucking mess. I can’t be...she needs more than me. Then she stopped responding to my texts—”
“So, you kept texting her after she expressed her feelings and you let her down?”
“I didn’t think I was letting her down. I couldn’t see how she’d want me.”
“Why wouldn’t she? You’re a successful lawyer, you’re fit, you’re very supportive to the people you care about—”
I interrupted him, unable to listen to him say nice things about me. “Yeah, on paper I’m fine. Butme?”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Jesus Christ, what’s right?”
He blinked twice, a computer lagging under the strain of its processor. “Shit, Eugene, that’s...I’m sorry you feel that way, man.”
“It’s whatever. I was actually feeling a little better, like I might not be a lost cause—”
“You’re not,” he said with such authority I did want to believe him. Behind my foggy glasses, my eyes stung.
“But then she was here,” I went on, “and I was so happy to see her, and she was so pissed to see me. And then, Mike told me she got her heart broken, and I thought it was some other guy, but it was me. I thought maybe I could be good enough for her...she thought I could be...”
At some point, I’d turned toward him to lean forward. As the story released from me I deflated, falling back into my seat again. “But I’ve already fucked up. I’ve already broken her heart. I’ve already proven that I don’t deserve her.”
“Did she say you don’t deserve her?”
“No.” I had to breathe out slowly through my lips. “She said she loves me.”
“You don’t trust her judgment?”
I blinked shaking my head, taken aback by his question. “No, I don’t trust mine.”
“But you won’t let her make the decision of who is deserving of her time?”
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“Whatareyou saying?”
In my head, I made every argument, but every rebuttal came back to his point. That I wasn’t letting her choose for herself.
Finally, I said, “I don’t know.”
“Wanna know what I think?” he asked, gentleness back in his voice.
