He’s been a disappointment for years.
None of this should surprise me. None of this should gut me the way it has. But here we are. Maybe it’s because it’s the first time I’ve heard him say it aloud; maybe it’s because he’s saying it to Andreas, who is supposed to be onmyside. I just don’t know. All I know is that for the first time in my life, I feel a sense of sudden and overwhelming clarity.
My father’s voice quietens down to nothing in my mind, replaced with one simple, solid thought: I’m done.
Done.
Done chasing his approval and love. Done with trying to anticipate his reactions and twisting myself into someone who fits whatever version of a son he thinks is useful that week.
It’s strange how quickly the decision and the certainty of it all settles in. There’s no sudden rush of courage or anger coursing through me, I just feel a calm understanding that something has shifted inside me and I’m not interested in shifting it back.
I straighten in my seat and, for a moment, I consider leaving – just walking out and letting him realise that I’m not going to sit here indefinitely to be summoned like a dog. But I know how that will play out. He’ll just take it as another example of my supposed irresponsibility, another reason why I’m the ‘disappointment’ he so casually catalogued to Andreas. And he’ll assume that whatever plan he’s concocted, I’ll eventually fall back in line, complain a little, maybe push back once or twice, but ultimately do what he wants because I always have. I’ll let him believe that, because he’ll be wrong.
I’m not going in there to comply with him anymore. I’m going in there because he expects a version of me that no longer exists and letting him talk to that version for the last time feels appropriate. He’ll hand me instructions to smooth things over with Imani. I’ll nod and play the dutiful son role. He’ll think he’s won and that I’m doing exactly what he wants. And I’ll walk out of that office more committed than ever to following through with what Imani and I have already started.
I stand, my chair scraping loudly against the floor as I move.
Natalie jumps a little. ‘Um. He’s not… I don’t think he’llbe much longer,’ she says, nodding to the door behind her. ‘If you just sit—’
‘It’ll be fine,’ I say.
She swallows and looks like she wants to say something else but nothing comes out of her open mouth as I walk towards the office door.
For the first time in a very long time, my pulse doesn’t spike with nerves or dread at the prospect of being face to face with my father. If anything, what I feel is a new sense of steadiness and surety settling in my chest.
I push the door open and step into a cold silence. My father is sitting behind his desk, his face pinched with irritation as usual. Andreas is standing off to the side, arms crossed, his face tight. My father doesn’t spare me a second glance as I enter the room, but Andreas looks up, and for a brief second, guilt crosses his face.
‘You’re late,’ my father drawls, like I haven’t been sat outside for close to an hour waiting on him. ‘Sit.’
I do, because that’s what he expects from me and I’m willing to play my part in this sick routine – for now.
‘We have a problem,’ he says, once I’m seated opposite him. ‘Last night was unacceptable. You need to fix this before Davies gets cold feet.’
I nod silently and his gaze narrows almost suspiciously – clearly he was expecting an objection.
‘Right,’ he says, clearing his throat. ‘You’ll contact the girl, apologise, charm her, and get us back on track for a wedding by the end of the year. Understood?’
‘Understood,’ I say immediately.
My father looks ever-so-slightly unnerved at how easy I’m being with all of this, like although he knew I’d ultimately acquiesce, he was still expecting at least a little fight.
‘Well then,’ he says gruffly when it becomes clear I’ve got nothing else to add. ‘Get to it.’
I nod again and rise from my seat. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Andreas turn in my direction.
‘Ash, can I—’
‘Sorry,’ I say over my shoulder, already making my way towards the door. ‘I’m already running late.’
He calls my name again, but I don’t turn around; I keep on walking. I have no idea what I want to say to him, but I know that if I’m forced to right now, whatever comes out of my mouth won’t be good.
I don’t stop walking until I’m back out in the lobby and the door to his office slams shut behind me.
Natalie glances up at me as I stride past her and her eyes go slightly wide. I wonder what she sees when she looks at me now. Does she see a new man entirely? Because it sure as hell feels that way.
CHAPTER ELEVENAsher
Entry into The Opal Vault is by invitation only and I kind of wish I didn’t have one. It’s 8pm on a Tuesday evening and the last place I want to be is somewhere like this.
