Neither did I.
“I’m the new princess’s champion,” I say, instead of stating the obvious.
“Sinchinrei,” she says, half upset and half in love. It’s a mixture that’s tainted her voice more and more these days. “You know that doesn’t answer my question.”
I hate that I’m bursting with a new feeling, one of pride. I shouldn’t be when she’s so worn out in front of me. I hate that something so incredible looks so negative to her right now. I want to assure her that it’ll be okay. It’s a bad day, but it will only lead to better ones.
If only I knew how to explain it so she would understand.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you two,” I say. It’s the truth, but it’s not the truth she’s looking for.
“That’s the end of the story. The consequences. Start at the beginning, Rei.”
So I do. I start from the moment we parted ways this morning to the waves of pain at the Inka’s feet. I include the princess’s touch of help, but not the warmth of her skin. I include my mother holding me still, but not her warning. I include the princess’s role, but not that the Inka does not know I do not have the mimicry necessary to raise Isla del Sol from the waters of Lake Titicaca. I tell Suyai all about my plans for the quest, but not the obstacles I know line the way. Still, I lay it all out, and at the end, I know I shouldn’t be smiling, but I am.
Because I’m the Guardians’ Hero.
Suyai’s hand leaves my scalp in favor of forming a fist at her side.
“You really are something special, aren’t you, Rei?” She doesn’t mean it as a positive thing. “They tortured you. They made it clear they don’t want you, and now we’re all stuck at the center of what is fated to be the most dangerous event in our lifetimes–”
“Susu, it doesn’t matter what they think because we’ll prove them wrong. They can’t take the title away from me, and they can’t rip you away from my side. We can do this, and we can prove–”
“I’m not here to prove a single Gods’ forsaken thing to anyone,Sinchinrei.” Suyai’s voice is cold like the winter waves that drown our ships and slice our cliffs. “You know what I’m here for? Why theyallowme to be at your side and Mare’s at mine? Collateral, Rei. We’re damn collateral.”
“Suyai.” I am more broken from her words than the hours of screaming.
“You’ve been waiting to do something that’ll finally makeherregret not wanting you from the beginning. Now the perfect opportunity has been gifted to you by our very own Guardians.” Suyai’s words are quiet now. She scoffs. “Congratulations, Rei. You’ve taken a sacred title from the most powerful person in our generation and brought the Inka’s wrath upon you in the process. At least if someone had to, it’s a person deluded enough to think it’s worth it.”
It will be.It will be Suyai,I think. I’ll save you and Mare and this whole damned empire, and you’ll see it then. She will too.
“Suyai,” I whisper. My eyes can’t stay open for much longer. I can’t fight her now. I can’t say anything to change her mind. “Suyai, stay with me for a bit?”
“Of course, I will,” Suyai whispers. “Of course, I will, Rei. Always.”
I feel tears well in my eyes, but I don’t understand. I feel chosen for once in my life. I feel so far from the girl left in a deteriorating house on the mountainside. But I feel Suyai’s words too. They descend into my mind like the father of all Gods, Viracocha’s tears descend from his eyes as rain.
Tomorrow, I am the princess’s champion, soon to be revealed as the Guardians’ Hero, the seeker of the Sun Staff.
Yet, as I fall asleep, I am once again Sinchinrei, six years old, hearing my aunts explain that my mother is not coming back. I do what I did back then. I crave Suyai’s comfort.
The next morning,I allow myself to indulge. I enjoy every bite of the luxurious breakfast I share with Suyai and Mare. I close my eyes and take in every time Mare laughs and teases Suyai. I relish the excitement in my stomach that I refused to feel as dread. The pain from last night feels like a bad dream rather than reality.
Mare doesn’t officially know I’m the hero yet, no one does, but the smart kid figured it out on his own. Suyai sent him off to change for their meeting with his new private tutor before he could get the explicit answer out of me. He stuck his tongue out at her the moment her back turned, but Suyai was no fool and told him to close his mouth without looking back.
These are the moments I’ve always lived for. I have an infinite amount of memories of Suyai reaching out to clasp her hand over Mare’s creative mouth, and yet I always ache for more.
Even now, I feel the selfish desire to live inside the details of our breakfast. I feel the need to hide Suyai and Mare away from everyone else, to stay in our private world where I don’t feel the crushing pressure to make something of myself.
Except I could never live with myself if I did, not yet. I have things to prove first.
Especially when an armed guard, their mace in full view, followed after Mare and Suyai at the end of our meal.Collateral, I remember.
Soon. Soon, Suyai and I will talk in private again. When I’m not using all my strength to stay conscious, and she’s done imagining every worst-case scenario, we’ll figure out what it means to be part of the princess’s guard. She’ll help me understand what it means to be a hero.
And when this is all over, when I’m finally enough, we’ll be able to live in our own world free of the expectations I can’t yet shake.
I go inside my room. Someone knocks, and I take in the waifish girl after opening the door.
