I have to believe in myself, or I won’t deserve to be here.
I block another fist aimed at my right ear, but nothing I do softens it. The thud rings inside my head. She hits my side, and I slide to the left from the momentum. It’s all I can do to stay standing, and, by the Guardians, she’s fast. Keeping up with her is like a sprint that never ends.
I don’t know if I’ll fall by her hand or from my exhaustion.
But not yet, I hear. My thoughts seem to scream in a voice not my own.
I try to strike her, but she catches my fist with one hand, twists it, and releases. A muscle spasms in my arm, but I set up for another punch. I’ll feign a hit to her side while I actually gofor a sweep of my leg. That’ll at least make her stumble. That’ll break her stance–
“That’s enough,” she says.
But before a single thought crosses my mind, I mouth,no,and go through with my plan.
I’m knocked onto my back before I can blink. My chest is alight with pain, acute like the slash of a knife. Before me, my mother drops a mace to the floor. It takes me some time, but I get it. She slammed the pole end of the mace into my chest to knock me down. She cheated, and she doesn’t even care enough to acknowledge it.
“Unfair,” I gasp, unable to speak clearly when my lungs still burn.
“You’ll stand with my unit during the Guardians’ Ceremony. You’ll join us for training and strategy meetings for the next two days. I’ll have your Kama explain to you what that means.”
Those are probably the only words that could cut through the pain seeping into my bones after the day I’ve had.
I open my mouth to curse that she’s gotta be kidding me, that she’s wrong for this. I’m supposed to be the one to rise to her, not take her hand and let her pull me up to the top. It’s not how this is supposed to go. None of it. I want to fight her when I know I can win, to stand beside her when I know I’ve proven I deserve the space.
Still, no sound comes out. My mouth flops open and closed like a fish gasping outside the sea.
My mother looks down at me, and I swear I’ve never seen anything so grand before, not the statues of the Guardians, not the Inka addressing the empire.
I nod from below her. She leaves me on the ground without a word.
For the first time,I don’t tell Suyai all the details. I don’t repeat the words of my Kama or the hits from my mother. I tell her the bare minimum, and it feels like a necessary betrayal.
“I don’t understand. Can she even do that? The unit age limits are laws set by the Inka herself,” Suyai says. Suyai’s first question gets straight to the point. It was mine too. It was the first thing out of my mouth when I spoke to my Kama.
“She’s not inducting me into her unit, so she’s not challenging any laws. I’m coming in as supplemental help. Three of us were chosen, but I’m the only one below the age limit,” I reply. That means I’ll be the only one under 25 in the Apukispay’s unit, and, with that, will come the questions.
“She’s never shown favoritism before. Guardians know, I would say she’s shown the opposite all these years, other than getting you a stupid invitation for something you would’ve entered on your own.” Suyai’s voice grows louder with each word. I don’t bother to correct her like I always do, that my mother’s invitation let us pass the preliminary screenings and go straight to the palace exams.
Every word out of her mouth in my chest is a strike to my chest.
My mother has never responded to people calling me her daughter, despite it being obvious to everyone. After enough years passed, people stopped mentioning it anyway.
“I can’t turn this down,” I whisper, once again not feeling like myself. I’m meant to be loud, always the strongest voice in the room.
“Of course you can’t. It’s basically a direct command from the Apukispay. Turning it down might as well be treason.”
I want to tell Suyai everything my Kama said, but I stay quiet. She’s stressed enough as it is.
“You don’t need to feel guilty about not giving me the details, Sinchinrei,” Suyai says my full name, and I don’t miss the message. I’m spiraling in my own head, and she uses my name to pull me out of the whirlpool. “I wouldn’t be able to do anything useful anyway. This is way beyond my realm of knowledge.”
“Yet you always know the right thing to say,” I admit.
Suyai punches me in the arm, right below my fresh bruise. We’re shoulder to shoulder on my bed, our feet swinging below us. She always comes to my quarters since I have a slightly nicer setup because of my rank. My bed is big enough to fit both of us comfortably, not that we can fall asleep together like we used to when we were kids. Our ranks keep us apart more often than not.
Curfew is coming up.
“Tell me about your day. I can’t talk about mine anymore,” I say and lean my head on her shoulder. It’s just the two of us in the dorm. Most of my unit spend their time outside before curfew, Suyai and I included. Outside of this bed feels like another world, like our feet are swinging above the land of monsters. Outside, my mother continues to drill her unit. Outside, soldiers are unwinding with somechicha, tension loosening if only because of the effects of the fermented corn turned alcohol.
Here and now, Suyai is in a worn tank and shorts that flow around her body. They might be mine, but too much time has passed for either of us to lay claim on it. She’s long since showered while I’m still in uniform. I’ll shower when she’s gone.
