Time pressed in and squeezed. The next thing Austin knew, he was in the carriage with Tristan, face pressed to the glass as he mindlessly watched the city pass by. Waves of guilt rocked through him, swells high enough to choke him. He doubted his body was capable of morphing to survive this type of drowning.
A strange pressure against his legs drew his attention back inside the carriage. Tristan’s large body was folded awkwardly on the floor, Austin’s bare feet in his lap, his sandals gone. Tristan was massaging his calves. Austin watched blankly, unable to feel his touch, even though he could see it.
“Did you say something?” Austin’s voice sounded as though it came from far away. He couldn’t tell whether it was the kind that hurt or not. Only Tristan was here, and he rarely flinched even when it did bite.
“I asked you to take a deep breath. Your breathing is too shallow, and your gills are going pale,” Tristan said.
Austin obeyed sluggishly to keep Tristan happy. He became aware of the wild, gasping flutter of his gills and how the flutter eased when he breathed deeply. Something was biting into his palm. He looked. His fingers clutched the stone in a vicious grip. The runes on its surface were burning his skin.
Tristan’s touch began to make sense in Austin’s mind, the connection between brain and muscles firing again.
“I thought nothing I did wasthatbad,” Austin said. “Nothing tipped the scales too far, not enough to make me totally unforgivable. I always thought I’d find a way to undo what I did to Gary. I wanted to protect Liam first of all, but then…then I thought I could…” His voice and cheeks felt wet. “I ruined him. Even if the ghoul hadn’t killed him, I’d already done it.”
Tristan’s massage stopped. He simply held Austin’s calves, staring up into his face with steady affection. “Even by Hal’s justice, you would be charged with nothing. Gary was the first time you truly used your power, and you did not know what it would do. You have not used it in such a way since, and you go to great effort to make sure you never do. You won’t use your voice when touching anyone, just in case. You remove yourself when it’s biting because you hate hurting others.” Tristan reached up to cup Austin’s cheek, wiping away the tracks of tears with his thumb. “You are far from unforgivable.”
Austin leaned into Tristan’s hand, letting his eyelids flutter shut. He breathed in his smell, pleasant brine and lingering incense, and then he slid forward into his arms. Tristan gathered him up and sat once more, Austin on his lap, gently held.
There was a pit in his stomach that he feared would never fill.
And yet.
“I want to live. I want to have good things.”
“I want that too,” Tristan agreed.
The pit in his stomach yawned wide, as though a gaping mouth. Its teeth pressed dangerously close to his heart. One good carriage jolt would end him.
Tristan’s hand moved slowly up and down Austin’s spine, as though he could see the mouth and was trying to calm it shut. “You told me that Liam once left Connor behind to die, bleeding out, on a ship.”
Austin’s forehead rested against Tristan’s neck. Beneath his ear were the corded muscles of Tristan’s shoulders, hard beneath the silk shirt. “He said the boat was too small for three. And Connor didn’t die. He was fine. It isn’t the same.”
“Liam didn’t know he would live, yet you would not let me so much as imply culpability in the man. You have forgiven him, unconditionally. I have killed, too. In the course of my childhood with Desor, and beyond it.”
“Your job is to protect people. Obviously, that would involve people dying now and then.”
“Not all of those deaths have been necessary,” Tristan replied. “I would kill for you too. If your father lived, or those scientists, I would find and kill them without hesitation. If Gary still lived, and his existence caused you pain, I would get rid of him too. And you would forgive me, because your heart will stretch for others. Allow it to stretch for yourself, too.”
If it stretched, the teeth might cut it.
The carriage rocked to a stop. Neither of them moved for an age. Austin finally tugged at Tristan’s shirt. “I’m tired.”
A relieved exhale tickled the top of Austin’s head. “Bed, then.”
???
Tristan had just set Austin under the sheets when Liam flashed through his mind. Austin rolled toward Tristan as he tried to climb into bed with him and put a warding hand against the merman’s chest. “The cat has to be fed.”
Tristan rubbed Austin’s arm. “Alright, I’ll bring Liam back. Perhaps Eli could lie down with you?”
“I told you I’m not interested in him like that.”
“I do not mean for sex,” Tristan said with a wry tone. “Just company. I’d rather you not be alone.”
Austin didn’t like the sound of company. Tristan didn’t move an inch from the bed, gazing determinedly at him. Austin didn’t have the energy to fight him.
“All right,” Austin muttered. “Eli and Reba can have tea in here.”
Tristan kissed his temple. “I won’t be long.”
