I've been trying to figure out what song this is—loving you from here. Missing you while trying to become someone who deserves you.
I haven't found it yet. Maybe it hasn't been written.
They talk a lot about discomfort here. About sitting in it instead of running from it or numbing it. About letting the hard stuff teach you something instead of just breaking you.
I think loving you has always been like that for me.
Not painful—that's not the right word.
Demanding but in the best way.
Like it asked me to show up as more than I was. To be braver, more honest, more present than I thought I was capable of being.
You never demanded it with words. You just existed as someone so fundamentally good that I couldn't stand the idea of being anything less than my best self around you.
And I don't regret a single second of it. Even now, even here. Even knowing I might lose you because of the choices I've made.
Because loving you made me believe I could be better. Made me want to fight for a future where I actually deserve to stand beside you instead of just watching you outgrow me.
I'll carry that with me no matter what happens next.
You taught me what it means to love someone enough to let them make you uncomfortable.
To let them see your worst and still choose to believe in your best.
To stay when leaving would be easier.
That's the song I'm learning right now.
The hard one.
The one that takes everything you've got.
The one that matters.
And every note sounds like your name.
—N
Week 47:
329 days.
That’s how long I’ve been sober for now since I last saw you.
My therapist asked me today how it feels to be this sober. To have gone this long without any kind of substance in my body—not just the hard stuff, but anything at all.
I told him it's the longest I've been completely clean since I was probably fifteen years old. Maybe younger. I can't even remember a time before I was putting something into my system to take the edge off or dull the noise or just make existing feel less heavy.
And the truth is, it feels strange.
Not bad. Just strange. Like I'm finally seeing the world without a filter I didn't even know was there.
He said something today that's had me thinking for hours.
That sometimes we don't want to heal because the pain is the last link to what we've lost. That holding onto the hurt feels like holding onto the person we can't have anymore.
I didn't say anything when he said it. Just nodded like I understood what he meant. But I've been sitting with it all day, and the truth is, I think I do understand.
