It fucking sucks.
I’d open my eyes and figure out if this is real or some horrific nightmare my mistress created for me, but I don’t think I have the strength to peel my lids back and look. Not that I’d want to see anything. I’m in Helheim, vikus and caves and stone separating me from my skjaldmær, and I’ll never have her in my arms again.
She’ll free her dragon, take the one that tried to claim me, and move into the sun. And who the fuck could blame her? I offered her nothing but misery in this place, bound to a cruel god.
No heart to give her; I have none.
No soul to offer; mine belongs to Hel.
No escape from Helheim; she’d have been trapped with me here forever.
Maybe she’ll find happiness where she belongs.
And I’ll find the perpetual torment I deserve, here with Hel.
“Look at me.” My mistress’s voice is cold, flat, and I bite back the groan that might convince her to put me out of my misery. I have no gods-damned idea why, but I’m not ready to die yet.
Still, my eyes refuse to open and confirm I’m truly back in Helheim, not trapped in some nightmare. Grasping to that drip of hope that I’ll awaken in a cave and look to the other side to see my skjaldmær, I store it along with my other memories of her.
“Don’t test me,” Hel whispers, every word dripping with malice. “I’m your queen, and I’ve given you a command.”
I drag my lids up, doing my best to keep the flames from my eyes. My heart slows for a moment, as if it’s unwilling to return to this reality, anxious for some escape, but there is none. If I’m to continue to exist, I’ll do it here alone.
“I told you the price you’d pay if you failed,” she reminds me, as if I need it. “Enjoy the pit. You’ll be here for a very, very long time.”
“My liege,” I call out, desperate to speak with her. Every word sends a tremble through my system as lungs that are probably pitch black struggle to find the breath I need. But I’ve talked my way out of her anger before. I need to try.
My lips blister when I don’t close my mouth quickly enough, allowing a speck of spit to trickle out, burning before I can lick it back. Not that I’d dare run my parched tongue overlips that can’t possibly have a single drop of moisture after so long above the pit. The thought sends a cringe along my spine, imagining the agony of the brittle flesh there ripping apart.
“I have nothing to say to you,” she declares, spinning on her heel to start stalking away.
“I need only retrieve the female and male I brought,” I cough, hacking up what I’m sure are parts of my throat. “They’re the key to retrieving the others.”
Her steps pause, and I hold back the prayer to her that’s a rote recitation from my lips. She’s who she’s always been. I’m not, and I’m finally awake to who and what she is. She deserves none of my prayers.
“How much of a fool do you take me for?” Hel demands, lashing out with her power to raise flames and pierce my gut.
I stagger out an exhale, astounded in that second that I could experience a new sensation. My body feels overwhelmed, as if it couldn’t possibly take anything else. But I’m a gods-damned idiot, about everything and everyone. Hel always has a way to increase my pain.
“You are the most perfect and sage of the gods,” I declare with every ounce of conviction I can muster. “I’ve always known that to be true. That will never change.” My throat is a furnace, red-hot pokers scraping its surface with every word.
“Did you think I didn’t know?” she yells, returning to me, her eyes blazing into mine. “Your emotions belong to me, and I would never give up that window into your soul. You were a fool to believe I had. I knew the moment you recognized yourmate. I watched you every time you visited her, saw the things you did to her while she slept.”
My mind goes blank, then fills with Finaan. Every encounter, each touch, barrels through my thoughts, a dream come to life.
Hel watched us. She knew.
“But … why would you allow me to keep her?” I rasp, another round of coughing forcing its way up from my battered lungs. “Why isn’t she decorating your halls?”
“Watching you with her was entertaining,” she murmurs, her breath coasting across my raw skin. “Something new to amuse me. Perhaps I’d have grown bored by now and she would be where she belongs, but she escaped before I fully claimed her.” She straightens her spine, staring down her nose at me. “And then you failed to bring her back,” she adds in a tone so full of contempt, I wonder how I’m still suspended here, instead of burning in the pit.
She needs me, though. She lost the elves, but she won’t lose the dragons. It’s enough to keep my life—barely—until she decides to kill them all and be done with the lot of us.
“You let me chase her,” I croak, “trusted me enough to send me to Vanatia.”
“You think that was trust?” Hel responds, the eyebrow on the unmarred side of her face lifting along with a corner of her lip on the black side. “I needed to know who you would choose, if it’s time to find another to serve me in this place. I tested you, and you failed.”
“We were nearly here,” I scrape out. “She’d have been yours again.”
