“Don’t call yourself that,” I grit out.Fuck, hearing her name with some other asshole’s last name tacked onto it makes me want to break something. Preferably that jackass’s face.
“Jealous idiot,” she mutters. But she takes a step closer and takes one of my hands in hers. I count it as a win.
“I don’t give one single fuck about what anyone thinks or has to say about you and I,” I tell her. “When it comes to this, when it comes toyou– everything else is just noise.I don’t care.”
“But I do!” she says, letting go of my hand. “Idocare. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I care so much what people think, what people might say, that I don’t know how to act, how toexistwithout worrying how my actions might be perceived. I try so hard to please everyone, and telling you all of this goes against every fiber of my being, because I want so badly to pleaseyou. But with this, I don’t know how. I know I’m not being fair to you. I know you deserve someone who can kiss you in a crowd and not think twice about how it might look to everyone else. But I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to be what you need.”
“What I need is you,” I tell her. “That’s it.”
“What happens when you get bored and leave?” she volleys back at me. “Where does that leave me?”
“Don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“You’re lashing out because you’re scared, and you’re hurting. But don’t make me out to be the bad guy. Don’t crucify me for sins I haven’t committed yet.”
“Yet,” Elsie emphasizes. “You’ll run. You always do, right? That’s your thing.”
“Bullshit,” I curse. “That’s not what’s going to happen here, and I think you know that. You have more faith in me than that. I know you do.”
I can see by the shock that flits across her face that I’ve hit the mark. She’s not scared I’m going to run.
No, she’s scared I’m going to stay, and she’s going to have to come up with a different excuse rather than admit she’sterrifiedof letting herself fall in love with me. Fucking petrified of opening herself up to the possibility of getting hurt again.
“You haven’t turned down the job in New York,” Elsie points out. “And last time I checked, Sean is still waiting on an answer fromyou, too. Your foot is halfway out the door and you want me to put all of my faith in you. Why?”
“Because I love you,” I shout, unable to bite the words back any longer. My confession ricochets through this place of worship, though there’s nobody but us to hear it. “Goddammit, Elsie.” I scrub a hand over my jaw. “This isn’t how I wanted to tell you.”
Elsie is frozen in place, her wide eyes searching mine.
“I love you,” I tell her again. I take slow, careful steps toward her, ready for her to bolt at any second.
I cradle her face in my palms, though I don’t kiss her. It’s not what she needs right now. Her eyes are shining with unshed tears, and the sight fucking guts me.
“I know you’re not ready to hear it yet, and I’m sorry I told you like this. But you need to know – for me, there’s only you. There’s only ever going to be you. I don’t care about the outside noise. I don’t care what anyone else thinks or has to say.” I take a deep breath and let my hands fall back to my sides. “But I know that you do.”
She nods wordlessly, her eyes anguished and pleading with me to understand. And maybe I don’t, not entirely, but I understand enough to give her what she needs right now.
Time to rip the fucking Band-Aid off.
“I’m going to back off,” I tell her. “Give you some space. When you’re ready, I hope we can figure this thing out and move past it. But I won’t push you if you’re not there yet. I won’t be one of those people who expects too much of you. When, or if, you’re ready to be with me – and I mean really be with me, no more bullshit – then we’ll talk. But the ball is in your court, Elsie.”
I desperately want to stick around and see what she has to say, but I know that if I don’t go now, I never will.
So I turn and walk out of the chapel, leaving my heart and all of my hopes behind with Elsie.
I want to believe we’ll work this out and she’ll finally be mine, but I’m fucking terrified that I might have just kissed her, held her in my arms – even told her I loved her – for the very last time.
CHAPTER 44
Elsie
I wake on Sunday morning feeling empty. It’s one of those mornings where you open your eyes and can’t quite remember where you are, or what day it is, let alone the many things on your to-do list. As I look around the nautical-themed room I don’t fully recognize and take in the late morning sun streaming through the gauzy curtains, I have a few brief, blissfully unaware moments before I catch my bearings and the night before comes flooding back to me.
Declan loves me.
I pushed him away.
