He sighed, then made to get up. But I put a hand on his shoulder to stop him. “Just sit with me for a moment. You don’t have to say anything. Just…let me be here for you.”
When our gazes met, I saw affection bloom in his eyes. My stomach fluttered. Did he finally see me? I tried not to think of my feelings for him. I simply meant to help him feel better, to be a good friend to him. But he didn’t turn away. Instead, his breathing seemed to stop and his gaze dropped to my mouth. Surely he wasn’t thinking…
Should I stop him?This wasn’t the time for my wishes to come true. Not when he was grieving. But I didn’t stop him. When he leaned down and lightly brushed against my lips, I pressed against him. It was brief, too brief.
He pulled away, barely looking at me. Then, he uttered heart-breaking words of farewell. “I must away. My mum will be needing me to take care of things. Thank ye, for…everythin’, Elsie.”
I could barely move, but he was standing and walking away as if nothing had happened at all. Did he love me or not? I shook my head. No, that still didn’t matter. He’d just lost his father. I stayed there for much too long. When I returned to the castle, Graham was riding away.
I cried all night and thought I would never see him again.
Come to think of it, our entire relationship had been equal parts saying farewell and reuniting. Saying goodbye to Graham almost became second nature to me, just as waiting for him had become.
“You know,” Mr. Ashby said slowly, “I understand where he’s coming from, ending your engagement.”
I jerked my head up to send him a glare. “Don’t ever say such a thing. What he did was ridiculous and unnecessary. And offensive.”
He held up his hands in defeat. “I’m simply sympathizing with him. He feels embarrassed by our failure and is afraid to show you his face. I’m not saying he did the right thing.” His eyes softened and he flicked his feathered quill in my direction. “He made a terrible mistake, letting you go. If you hadn’t come with me, I would’ve made sure he knew that.”
“Good.” With that acknowledgement of his sound reasoning, I focused on my writing. Though after Mr. Ashby’s comment about what he’d do once we found Graham, I couldn’t stop imagining what I would say when we finally faced each other.How dare you make thisdecision on your own? I did not spend my entire life loving you to give up now. You thought a letter would suffice, truly? You coward.
Patrice made a noise, and I glanced over to see her head falling back against the cushion. She rarely stayed awake while we worked on accounts. I ripped off a small piece of paper, rolled it up, and tossed it at her. It hit her forehead and she sniffed, rubbing where the paper had hit. I watched another piece hit her left eye and I glanced over at Mr. Ashby, who’d joined in on my game. We threw a few more paper balls at her before she woke up with a groan.
“Wha…” she said, looking around her as if trying to figure out where she was. She saw the both of us laughing and narrowed her eyes. “What’re ye laughin’ about?”
I pretended to be fully invested in my work, but my uncontrollable laughter did not help. I felt a piece of paper hit my ear and saw Patrice pick up another to throw it at Mr. Ashby.
“Yer both troublesome,” she accused.
For the next few minutes, we wasted nearly a full page—which wasn’t easy to come by on a ship—and littered the room with rolled-up pieces for the purpose of our war. By the end, we were all holding our stomachs while we laughed.
Chapter 9
Bytheendofthe week, the paperwork was set in order and Mr. Ashby had begun his official tasks as purser, with which we could not help. Certain aspects of his responsibilities were confidential, as well as too complex for my limited comprehension regarding the job. The mood in the room had changed, and I couldn’t quite pinpoint why. Mr. Ashby’s brow began furrowing more and more. Perhaps it was simply his way. I didn’t know him well enough to comment on the change, did I?
So despite my curiosity, I sat in the office with nothing to do for far too long. I finally told Mr. Ashby that Patrice and I would no longer accompany him. A few emotions crossed his face, but he seemed relieved overall. I wondered if my presence had become a burden to him already. Would he ever have told us to leave on his own?
He sighed, nodding. “Very well. Go out onto the deck while I finish this and I’ll meet you there soon.”
I watched him return to his work, his brows furrowing again. Leaving him to his tasks was definitely a good decision.
Bookkeeping, while not exactly thrilling, had its rewards. My mind felt stimulated, if my body felt a bit stifled. As I walked outside, the sea breeze on my face was a treat beyond anything else, like a reward for a job well done. Of course, one might argue that I could have enjoyed the sea air all day if I wished, rather than staying in the purser’s office.But now that the work had been completed, for me at least, I felt a little listless. The crease between Mr. Ashby’s eyebrows entered my thoughts. Should I have asked if something was distressing him?
Patrice’s voice interrupted my worries. “Another beautiful day, eh, Miss?”
“Aye, that it is, Patrice.” I smiled into the sunshine and closed my eyes. When I opened them, I saw nothing but blue in every direction.
A thought suddenly surfaced and came spilling out. “He should’ve asked me to go with him.”
“Graham?” Patrice asked thoughtfully.
“Yes. I could’ve been with him these past three years. He’s a daft fool.”
“He had yer best interest in mind, Miss.”
“He underestimated me. Still does.” I was coming dangerously close to hating Graham for everything he’d put me through. At times like this, I had to remind myself that loving him was a part of me. I’d always loved Graham and only Graham. I imagined him being there in front of me, smiling and laughing with me. Of course, along that vein of thinking there was only more heartbreak.
My sigh was heavy. This would all be sorted once we reached St. Kitts. I had to believe that.
