I bumped into him with my shoulder, sending him stumbling to his left. He returned the gesture, but much lighter than me. I laughed at it as I stumbled slightly to my right. After a moment of thinking, I said, “Still, at least you said he was someone I loved. Hopefully that will spark something in him.”
His smile faltered then. “Yet another truth we cannot deny,” he said quietly.
Butterflies danced in my stomach, startling me. What he said couldn’t have sparked that reaction, not the words themselves. It was his melancholy tone. It wrote volumes of unspoken feelings that I hadn’t considered until now. Somehow, he made it sound like my love for Graham had become a painful truth, as if it got in the way of another truth that threatened to take over…
“Miss Findlay?” I heard Mr. Ashby say.
Apparently, I had stopped walking and, instead, had been staring blankly in front of me, though not seeing anything. His face came into focus, and those butterflies were alive once more.No.I battled with the feelings growing within me.
His blue eyes, those clear and expressive eyes that had grounded me when there was no ground under my feet, bore into mine and made me shiver from the overwhelming connection between us. Then his hand came up to my cheek. His thumb brushed against it and I felt the tear he’d caught. While his gaze was on his thumb as he continued to wipe away the moisture underneath my eye, mine was on his face as I attempted to decipher his emotions. His frown and pinched brows only hinted at sadness, but it seemed far deeper than that. The lines around his eyes were tense, as if he were holding back, restraining some emotion or…reaction. Before I knew it, he was looking into my eyes again and my breathing hitched. Longing—that was the kind of sadness I’d recognized.
I leaned into his hand, pressing my cheek against his palm. He seemed shocked at first, then hopeful. A painful, hesitant type of hope that caused a lump to form in my throat. His fingertips pressed the soft spot beneath my ear, lightly, as if to pull me closer. I wasn’t sure if he was pulling me, or if I was moving toward him of my own will.
To push him away seemed like the right answer. I placed a hand on his chest in order to do that, but instead my fingers gripped his shirt and I tugged him toward me. I had gone completely mad. I heard a short gasp escape him, and our lips met in an explosion of feeling.
Reason screamed at me to stop, but a conversation with Melody played like a concert in my head. I heard her heartbroken warnings to not allow fancy to overcome reason, telling me how painful love can be. But I’d insisted she had never truly been in love.Love awakens you,I’d said. Back then, I truly felt as if I’d been awakened when Graham came back into my life. Only three years ago, but it seemed an eternity.
Waiting too long in a tower must have made me delusional.
Because even as I was wishing for Graham to remember me, even as I recalled my promise to marry him, everything outside of thismoment felt like a dream. Because at this moment, I felt completely and vividly awake.
Chapter 21
Hishandstangledinmy long, thick hair. My arms wrapped around his neck. His height matched mine perfectly, and we were on the same level in every way. Our passion, our rhythm, our pounding heartbeats and parting lips, all complemented each other. It was equally sweet and thrilling. Mr. Ashby,Arthur, met my every kiss with enthusiastic acceptance, giving back much more than he received.
It should have been me to pull away first. I was, after all, the one who’d initiated it. And yet, here was the man to whom I’d entrusted my life, the man who’d trustedme. We had formed this bond of friendship that was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. And now, this new passion he’d elicited from me had my head reeling. How could I pull away from him?
But Arthur was able to think straight, apparently, for he took me by the shoulders and extricated himself from my arms in a gentle yet decisive manner. From the way he’d kissed me, one would have believed he’d fallen completely in love with me. But the look on his face as I opened my eyes obliterated that idea.
Mr. Ashby watched me, both of us breathing heavily, with furrowed brows and a clenched jaw. It wasn’t the expression of a man in love. He covered his face with his hands and turned away with a groanthat sounded like unfettered regret. Then he did the unthinkable, and walked away. Well, I wouldn’t have that.
One could not kiss someone without answering for it. I rushed after him and grabbed him by the arm.
“Arthur!” I said his name like an order. He still faced away from me, and I saw his shoulders rising and falling with the same breathlessness that I felt.
He shook off my hand. “I can’t talk about it, Elsie. Let’s just…pretend it didn’t happen.” His tone was dismissive. Despite my outrage, I froze there while he walked off. What on earth did he mean by “I can’t talk about it?” If he had a mouth to kiss, he had a mouth to speak.
How could I just pretend something like that hadn’t happened? I was not an emotionless being. Neither was Arthur Ashby, and yet he could say something so insensitive!
But as I stood there, he went around the corner, and all of my determination to make him stay evaporated. Because he was right to walk away. We had both committed a crime against dignity, devotion, and loyalty. We had betrayed someone who was incredibly special to us both. Like Arthur had, I covered my face with my hands and groaned. There truly was nothing to discuss. We should leave it here, in this quaint garden.
I looked behind me and took in the beautiful flowers, the sweet scent, and the simplicity of the design. It would seem quaint no longer, but full of secret longings. I saw the yellow flower Arthur had given to me just before all of my self-control disappeared. It had fallen in my eagerness to be closer to him. My arms had lifted of their own accord to wrap around his neck, and it had slipped from my fingers like my sanity.
I wanted to pick it up. To keep it and cherish it. But I turned away from it instead. Whatever that moment with Arthur meant, I wouldabandon it as I did that flower. There was no need to ponder on it. As I left the garden behind me, I came upon Patrice. Hadn’t she just been in the kitchen? The time passed too quickly while I had been captivated by Arthur’s passion. I pinched my lips together.
She was holding a basket of folded linen and looking at me with stern disapproval. I didn’t say a word, but tried to go around her. She stepped into my path. I tried to go the other way but was stopped by her again.
I sighed, looking at her wearily. “Will you please allow me to pass? I have a headache and wish to rest.”
Patrice scoffed. “Have much to think on, do ye?”
My eyes widened. What had she seen?
“Ye were kissing him in the middle of everything. Did ye think no one would see? Yer lucky it was only me.”
Relief coursed through me. Thank heaven only Patrice had seen our betrayal. But then, I realized that Patrice seeing it was plenty bad in itself. I met her eyes again with an apology. “Please, let’s not discuss it. It…will never happen again. Just a one-time mistake. Truly.”
“Nay, Miss. ’Tis not a mistake to either of ye.”
