“I said what I said to you that night out of confidence. You asked me the question and I answered it truthfully. Isn’t that what this whole thing has been about? Truth? If it’s in your subconscious, then you must have thought about it.”
“I’ll admit that I was shocked. I’ve seen the way you read about romance, how you watch rom-coms, I just thought that you would want that eventually. I freaked out when you left in the morning and I thought that going to the bar was a good idea,” I say truthfully.
I try and search her eyes. For something. Anything. Something that will tell me that we’re going to be okay. But nothing surfaces. It’s all darkness and cloudy as if she’s shutting me out already.
“I said from the beginning to tell each other when this got too real. When things stopped feeling like pretend. Everything just went to fast.”
“You knew I wanted you this whole time, Wren. I never kept that a secret,” I say, my voice sounding so far from where we are. “What part of saying that 'I love you' was fake to you?”
"Miles." She sighs and looks down at the table before looking back up at me. "You don't love me. You were drunk and we were still pretending."
"Are you being fucking serious right now?" I ask, whisper-shouting. "You think that I risked my spot on the team by getting in a fight for nothing? Do you think that I sat with you and held your hair back when you were going through a tough time because I don't love you? Everything I've done, in and outside of the plan, I did it foryou. Not for my fake girlfriend but because I wanted to seeyouhappy."
"I never asked you to do any of that."
"That's the whole fucking point, Wren. You don't need to ask me to do anything. I will do anything for you. Don't you see that?" I retort, trying my best to cool the angry blood surging through me. "I care about you so much that is scares the shit out of me. So don’t you dare tell me that that isn't love."
"I- I don't know what you want me to say, Miles," she whispers. I grab her hand and pull it into mine, curling my huge hand around hers and she stares at them.
"Tell me that you forgive me. Say that you want to make this work because you and me, Wren," I start, tugging on her hands so she looks up at me. Her eyes are dim as she takes me in, swallowing. "We're real."
She stares at me for a long moment, as if everything between us have just been blips in time. As if everything we have shared and been through together don't carry the same weight as they once did. I swear I see in her face the second she makes her decision.
"Remember when we said we'd tell each other if it got too much? Well, it has."
The beating in my chest starts to slow before it picks up its pace again, hammering so hard against my chest that I feel like it’s going to burst out. My hearing is solely focused on the beat of my heart as Wren’s face in front of me starts to fade away.
Is this what it feels like to die? Because it fucking feels like it.
I try and take in a few deep breaths to steady my heart rate. I can’t lose her. I can’t keep going on without her. She is the only reason I got back up. She filled that uncomfortable hole in my chest that was taken away when Carter died.
You.
You.
I just want you, my heart screams.
“What?” I ask thickly.
“I don’t this is a good idea anymore. We did what we needed to do for the contract. My team is doing okay with support and you’re in the season,” she starts with a sigh. “When I’m with you, Miles, I can’t focus on anything else. This got too real, too quick for me and you know where my priorities lie.”
“Didn’t you say you wanted to do things for yourself or was that all bullshit?” I know it’s a low blow and it’s petty but it’s not that easy to not take what she says to heart. How she can try and discard my feelings for her as if they don’t mean anything.
“Iamdoing this for myself. We both know why I skate. Whether it was because of my mom or not - I enjoy it and if I have a shot of winning this year's championships, I want to go for it. With everything going on with Austin, I can’t fuck this up. Not now. I’ve worked too hard to give up at the last minute.”
“But you can give up on us?”
“That’s not fair, Miles,” she whispers, “you’ve experienced it first-hand what I’m like when I’m anxious. I’m going to end up pushing you away and I can’t do that to you again.”
“Wren, I don’t care if you’d push me away,” I murmur.
“But I do. We worked well when we were pretending because there were high stakes. Wehadto make it work to get what we wanted. Now, I'm sure the whole of NU has seen the video and I can't go through that embarrassment again,” she admits, finally meeting my eyes with a sullen expression. Her eyebrows furrow together, and she scrunches her nose.
“Why can’t you see yourself the way that I see you? I want you as you are, Wren, no matter how complicated it gets. Can't you see that?” I say, my voice sounding strangled and hoarse. Her face relaxes for a second. "This isn't like last time because I'm here. Let me be there for you, Wren. You are worth it."
“Miles, I can't-,” she sighs, closing her eyes for a moment. “You can say this now, but you’ll change your mind.”
I don’t respond. There’s nothing left me to say that will get her to trust me. To get her to believe that everything I’m saying is true. To let her know that I am going to feel this way as long as we live.
