“You said that already,” he whispers into me.
“I know. I just really mean it, and this is probably the only time you’re going to hear me say it again,” I say, playing off the aching in my chest as a laugh.“I’m not used to saying all this sappy shit out loud.”
“I’ve missed you too.”
CHAPTER 48
WREN
I’ve been trying to think of some way to make it up to Miles for missing his last game. If I wasn’t so stuck in my head, I would have been able to focus on something other than my competitions. I would have been able to be there for him, cheer him on and congratulate him right after his game. The girls said that they didn’t want to tell me because they thought it was best that I didn’t know.
I didn’t expect us to fall back into our old routine so quickly. Its barley been a week since Kennedy’s party, and we’ve been to the gym together every day like we used to. We’re still firing out random question even though I feel like I know him like the back of my hand. And to think that a few months ago, I was so determined to get him out of my life as soon as this fake dating plan worked. Then somehow, I started to fall for him. Hard.
He still makes me want to rip my hair out but all of the other positive aspects of him outweigh the bad. I don’t know how I feel about how easy this all feels. How easily I could slip back into this routine and find it so normal. He feels so safe. Comforting.
So, I'm letting myself have that.
We’ve been so caught up within each other since the party that we’ve been avoiding our upcoming spring exams. Kennedy’s birthday is usually a physical marker to sort out my exam timetable but this year I’ve been thrown of course. For some reason, I’m not as frightened as I was. I’m happy with just existing, no matter how looming the future feels.
After hearing about Miles’ childhood stories about when he used to come here as a kid, I knew that choosing to come to one of Salt Lake’s ski resorts would be the best idea.
I didn’t really think that through.
Although there are remains of the sun still shining through, it’s cold as hell even under my hundreds of layers. It’s worth it to see the sheer joy on Miles’ face when we get out the snowboards. It looked a lot easier in the movies. We struggled and waddled down small hills and bumps, trying our hardest not to fall face first into the snow.
We spend most of the morning on the ski lift to take in the glorious sight beneath us. I’ve not been to one of these places since I was a kid. Getting to see the whole of my city almost covered in snow is one of the rare things that I don’t appreciate enough. Even though my nipples are rock hard under both of my sweaters, I’m still grateful. I push away all the worries that I should be feeling about my exams and instead try and let myself luxuriate in this moment.
After going on the ski lift for the last time, we rush into the insanely cosy café in the resort. It’s a small rustic cottage style building with delicious smelling coffee and pastries. After stiffly walking towards a table, we return to our question game. In the time we were apart this is what I’ve missed the most. Not the sex. Not his face or his body. Not his house or his extremely comfortable bed but this schoolyard game that we play where we can ask each other anything. Almost nothing is off limits as we fire out more questions.
“This is a fun one,” I exclaim, shoving more strands of hair into my beanie. I slide over his phone back to him as I keep on one pair of my gloves. “Are you a gambling kind of person or do you like to take things slow and steady?”
“I took a gamble with you, so yes,” Miles answers, smirking as he takes a sip of his hot chocolate. I frown. “What? I did. You were being difficult with me at the start, and I still went for it.”
“That’s not true,” I say quietly. “I always liked you, kind of, I just chose not to show it.”
“You were really bad at hiding it,” he laughs, throwing his head back. I nudge him under the table. “Maybe if you could control the way you whimpered every time I touched you, I wouldn’t have been able to notice.”
“Whatever,” I say, feeling the heat creep up my cheeks. “I don’t think I gamble enough. I always take the easy road. I want to be more spontaneous, though. Instead of sticking to strict schedules.”
“I think you should,” he suggests before picking up his phone. “I can’t believe I’ve never asked you this. Where do you see yourself in ten years?”
The question catches me a little off guard. Like Austin, I always had a very simple plan for my life: skating. It’s always been that and it probably always will. Being high up on that ski lift made me realise how insanely insignificant we all are. Merely salts of the earth. But I want to see more of that. I need to see more places that aren’t confided in the states.
“I don’t want to stay here, that’s for sure. In ten years, I want to have moved out of Salt Lake, seeing new places, experiencing new things. I can skate and write anywhere,” I say. “I see myself somewhere hot. Tropical.”
“With anyone in particular…” he drawls, leaning forwards into me so I can see deep into his green eyes.
“Maybe,” I smirk, biting my lip. I shrug and he nudges me under the table. “How about you?”
“Honestly? I want to play in the NHL until my bones don’t work anymore and I'm an old grandad with a saggy dick,” he says matter-of-factly. I laugh at his analogy. “But I don’t want to be doing that alone.”
“What do you mean? Xavier has explained his ten-step plan to me, like, a million times.”
“What if I completely loose motivation or if they do?It’s so easy to fall in and out of love with sports. If I stop enjoying it, I won’t be able to play anymore and I won’t be able to do it for Carter,” he says quietly, not fully meeting my eyes.
“Then you can stop. The only person you owe it to to continue playing is yourself. He would be so proud of you, Miles,” I say. I reach my hand out and hold his through his thick gloves.“You love hockeynow, right?”
“More than anything.”
