“I know you don’t, that’s why I couldn’t tell you. Do you remember that action figure you had? The army one with the interchangeable outfits?” I nod and she continues. “You had that with you all the time. You had in your hand in the stroller, you held onto it while you were potty training, and you brought with you to your first day of kindergarten. It was old and mouldy by the time you were eight and do you remember what happened when dad tried to throw it away?”
“I screamed at him and said I’d run away if he didn’t give it me back,” I say, laughing at the memory. I had almost forgot about that. I was such a dramatic child. Maybe I still am.
“Because you couldn’t let it go, Miles. You thought it was this precious thing that you couldn’t live without but when you got a new pair of skates you forgot about it, and you moved on. That’s why I thought that if I waited to tell you, you’d be more open to forgiving her. I thought you’d find it easier to move on,” Clara admits, looking at me sympathetically. I don’t say anything for a while.
“Do you think that’s why I’m still thinking about Carter? Why I can’t move on. I feel like everyone has moved on and I can’t,” I ask, my voice wavering. I only ask to try to make sense of it myself.
“I think… I think that’s a different thing, Miles. Loosing someone is a very difficult thing and everybody deals with it in different ways. I don’t think you need to worry about how long it takes you. It’s not something you can just wake up and move on from.”
“Everyone else has. Clara, I can’t even put on my helmet without feeling like I’m suffocating,” I say truthfully.
I don’t know when I started crying but I did. Hot tears run down my face. I don’t bother to hide it. I’ve got used to crying now. At first, I thought it was something to be embarrassed about. Something that shouldn’t be happening but then it starting to feel relieving. Cathartic.
“Oh, Miles. I know we haven’t spoken but please tell me you’ve been talking to someone about this.” She brings her hand to my back, rubbing reassuringly. I sniffle and try to blink back the tears.
“I have Wren,” I say, mostly as a reminder. Because I do, right? Even though I haven’t heard from her since our kiss, I still have her. I have to.
“That’s good. I’m glad to hear that but who’s Wren?” she asks, her nose scrunched up.
"She's my girlfriend. She’s just…” I laugh. How could I even begin to describe her? How could I tell her that she’s completely taken over every single thought in my brain. That’s she’s the only thing I can think about. Her stubbornness and all. “She’s everything.”
Clara nods in understanding. “We’ve got a lot to catch up on.”
CHAPTER 21
WREN
Ishouldn’t have kissed him. I shouldn’t have done a lot of things. I shouldn’t have stayed the night either because I knew how badly I would want him. I knew that I get impulsive when I’m around him. I couldn’t even sleep last night because I was so turned on. I got up when he was asleep and locked myself in his bathroom to deal with it.
It was worse when I slipped back into bed, trying to keep as much distance between us and his hand slipped around my stomach, pulling my ass right into him. Luckily, we made it through the night and in the morning, I focused on the real task at hand and left him the painkillers. I only have two weeks before the showcase and I can’t mess that up now.
After a long day practicing and trying to get Miles out of my head, I’m sat with the girls in the living room while they ask me more and more ridiculous questions. I’ve been dodging them for the most part as I lie down with ice packs on my sore knees.
“So, what was it like?” Kennedy asks with a huge smile.
“What was what like?” I sit up further on the couch, so I can see them both properly. Kennedy is sitting in the beanbag and Scarlett is on the floor, lying on her back.
“The kiss. You can’t just be like ‘yeah me and Miles made out for real’ and ignore it,” Kennedy explains.
“That’s exactly what I’m trying to do. If I think about it too much, I’ll do it again and this whole thing will be over. I can’t do that. Not so close to the show and so close to the hockey season,” I say, turning over my ice packs before resting my head back on the head rest.
“Fine, don’t tell us. But, judging by the look on your face, it was better than the kisses you write about in Stolen Kingdom,” Kennedy mentions, looking at me innocently. I don’t have the energy to argue with that. It’s true. It was probably the best kiss of my life. Scarlett frowns at her and turns back to me.
“Have you spoken to him since you ran off this morning?” Scarlett asks and my stomach drops.
“I didn’t run off. I just didn’t want to be there when he woke up. It would have been too hard,” I admit. “It was the best thing to do.”
“Was it or was it just easier?” Scarlett asks. If my knees didn’t hurt so bad, I would have smothered her with my pillow, but I know she’s right. She always is.
I don’t let my mind wander to what would have happened if I stayed for any longer than I did. We’re both so strangely attached to each other. Like there’s something, intangible, which is constantly tying us together. Even when we know we shouldn’t. When we can't. Not for real, anyway.
Rule number three.
I’m about to say something but my phone chimes and vibrates next to me. I reach into the pocket of my shorts and retrieve it. I smile wide when I see a message from Gigi.
Gigi: Why haven’t you posted any pictures with your boyfriend? Did you guys break up?
Me: We didn’t break up G. It's been twenty-four hours since I posted.
