“Great,” he replies. “You?”
“Fantastic,” I say, beaming. “Are you having trouble not touching me?”
He shakes his head, swallowing. “It’s no big deal. I’ve been resisting you all my life. I can pretend again for one night.” I press my mouth shut to hide the giddy grin that battles my face not to spread across my mouth, but I don’t let it as the girls let out sitcom-worthy ‘Awhs.’
“You’ve become such a softie,” Miles murmurs to my boyfriend and I kick him again. “You too, Scarley.” It’s like hewantsme to bruise his leg. I ignore him and continue eating my food.
“Can I say something?” Kennedy asks. Everyone’s heads turn to hers, Harry’s not moving from already looking at her. “As much as you guys make me want to rip my hair out, you also make me laugh a bunch. So, thank you.”
“Why are you thanking us?” Harry asks curiously.
“Well, you know what it’s like to not be at home. But when I’m with you guys, I don’t worry about that. I know I haven’t been the most fun person to hang out with recently, but you never make me feel bad about it,” she explains, dropping her gaze to the table.
“You shouldn’t have to thank us for something like that, Ken,” Wren says. “We’ve always got your back and you’ve always got ours. It’s that simple.”
“Yeah,” she whispers before coming back to life. “I mean, where would you be without me manifesting you dating a hockey player so we could have an excuse to go to the games.”
I laugh. “You manifested that?”
“Of course, I did. How else do you think they got together?” she explains, gesturing between the couple in question. “You’d be a shitshow without me.”
“You didn’t even like hockey,” Wren retorts, laughing hard.
“You’re a skater. Besties before testes and all that. But secretly, I love hockey,” Kennedy says, waving her hand around in dismissal. She smiles wide, her dimples popping out as she looks at Harry. “Wouldn’t want to miss out on watching my favourite player.”
Harry’s face turns completely red at the compliment. Even as a hockey goalie, he resembles more of a teddy bear than anything else. He gets all shy and nervous around Kennedy’s loud energy, but when I catch them together they feed off each other, just becoming one huge ball of sunshine.
The way they’re smiling at each other now? I don’t know if friends just look at friends that way. Maybe I’m just projecting and getting antsy about not being able to touch Evan. Kennedy’s thing is to overanalyse, so I’ll leave that up to her.
We eat the rest of the meal talking about everything and nothing.
Wren tells us about her vacation this summer, while Miles sulks about not being able to go with her because his family are also going on vacation. They also tell us how they’re spending half of the summer teaching kids how to skate at the local rink. Harry tells us about his family coming to visit him from Australia for a few weeks in the summer, while Kennedy tells us a story about what happened the last time her mom came up here from South Carolina, which ended in a lot of tears.
When everyone’s done sharing and it’s my turn, I don’t know what to say. I don’t have any plans for the summer anymore, other than working on new designs forVoss. I’ve not really thought about it at all. For once, I don’t have a direction. At least when I’m at school, I know I’m working towards something. I have strategies in place, and I know I have a goal. Usually, I try to plan a solo vacation to give me some time to myself, but with a boyfriend, can I still do that? Are there rules now that mean I can’t do things on my own or do we have to always do things together?
I stand abruptly from the table. “I’m going to the bathroom.”
Evan stands too. “Me too.” Wren shakes her head. “She’s clearly in need of desperate help, Wren. I’m doing us all a favour here.”
I roll my eyes at Evan’s not discreet excuse as I move from the table and down the corridor to the only bathroom on this floor. I hear his footsteps a few behind mine, but I don’t turn around. I make the quick decision not to go to the bathroom and instead walk out into the street, where the streetlights shine overhead as it starts to rain a little.
I need a second to breathe. I don’t know why I’m panicking about this. Ishouldn’tbe panicking about this. I’ve been in a relationship before. It wasn’t a great one, but I managed it. So why does this one make me feel like I’m suffocating and nothing is even happening?
I can feel him before he actually touches me.
“Just give me a sec,” I say, holding my hand up as I face away from him. “I think I’m having a panic attack or something.”
I take in huge gulps of air, not knowing if this is working or not, but I need to do something. I can feel him moving behind me. Why is it always raining? Will focusing on that help? As the feeling in my chest tightens, I try to focus on the pavement, watching the rain fall down into the drain, but it doesn’t help. Nothing is working.
“Can I- Will it help if I hold you? I can hold you really tight.”
“You can try,” I whisper.
The second the words are out of my mouth, he comes behind me, wrapping his huge arms around my chest, securing me, and holding me tight the way I need to, resting his chin on my head. I focus on breathing, making sure I don’t run out of breath. My whole body feels heavy and sweaty, even with all the rain. But he’s anchoring me. Keeping me safe.
“I’ve got you, Scar,” he whispers into my hair. “I’ve got you.”
“I know. I just… I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I choke out. “One second I was fine and the next… I don’t know. I’m just worried when there’s nothing to worry about.”
