“You really expect me to trust you, right now?” He doesn’t respond because that’s when I start to feel the hot, angry tears running down my face. I can’t cry right now. He can’t see how badly this hurts. I wipe my tears quickly, stepping away from him so he can’t hold onto my shoulder anymore. “Did you kiss me just to get closer to me? Was all that fake? You, saying those things, touching me like that… Did you not mean any of it? I had a feeling it was weird how you were being so nice to me, and I was stupid enough to believe you.”
He steps closer to me. I take a step back. “I didn’t kiss you for any other reason that I wanted to, that I’ve beendyingto do since I met you. I care about you, Scarlett, more than I have ever cared about anyone. I respect you and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“You don't do things like that to the people you care about, Evan,” I say through a sob, shoving at his chest as he tries to close the distance between us again. He looks more upset now, his face suddenly red. “I asked for one thing from you. I forgave you for what you said. I wanted to be your friend, for God’s sake and you ruined that.”
He runs his hand through his hair. “You’re right. I fucked up and I’m sorry. I don’t want to argue with you, but I don’t want to make you upset, and I can’t bear to look at you cry,” he says thickly. He turns to walk away, but I go after him, pulling on his arm, turning him back to me.
“No,” I warn. He heaves out a breath, looking around. “No,” I say again, quieter. “You’re going to argue with me, Evan, because that’s what we do. You fight with me and you’re going to fightforme. So, explain yourself. Now. Because Ireallydon’t want to think I was stupid enough to have trusted you, so you better give me a good enough reason or – so help me God – I will make your life a living hell and I will never speak to you again.”
I want to have a conversation. I don’t want whatever we built to dissipate just because he did something stupid. I’ve done countless stupid, manipulative, and ridiculous things in my life. I wasted so much time hating him without hearing him out that first week at NU. I’m not about to do it again. Not after the way he’s held me, taken care of me and spoken to me in the last few weeks. This isn’t like the other guys I’ve hooked up with. This is him. I refuse to believe that was all for nothing.
He runs both of his hands down his face. “Scar.”
“Explain yourself. Now,” I say, rubbing the last of the tears from my face. I take a deep breath because I need to be strong. I can’t keep missing out on possibly great things because I’m scared of people hurting me. If he hurts me, he’s going to fix it.
“I was desperate, Scarlett, you’ve got to understand that. I was cut off from my family after what happened with Cat, and this was the only way my dad said he would let me back in. You probably won't get it because your family is different. You might not get along, but you love each other, and you show it. I've always wanted that - a family, a relationship where love and intimacy wasn't so unheard of. I thought, maybe if I get back in, I could try and get that for my family, too. But it got to a point where I didn’t even realise that I was doing it for them because I wanted to helpyou. I gave him half-assed explanations because I wanted us to figure it out because…” He lets out a shaky breath, his green eyes looking directly into mine. “Because we’re a team, Scar. Me and you. We do things together. We might fight and argue, but at the end of the day, it’s just me and you. It always has been.”
I flicker my gaze to the ground for a second, needing the short time to collect myself before I get completely lost and transfixed in his eyes again. His words mean more to me than anyone else’s. His words, his actions, are what are going to keep us together in whatever way that is.
“You could have told me, and we could have figured it out, you know?”
“I tried to tell you, but then Gio-”
I cut him off. “You had so many chances, Ev. So many. When we were smoking, you could have mentioned it. The countless times when we worked in silence could have made a perfect opportunity. When we kissed… There’s been so many opportunities.”
“I was scared, Scar. I was fucking terrified. You already hated me, and we were starting to get somewhere, and I didn’t want to push you away again. I know that’s exactly what I’ve done, but you’ve got to see that I didn’t want to do that,” he says, his voice thick with emotion. "I just want to be close to you. All the time."
?Bloom by The Paper Kites
I believe him. From the way he’s treated me, regardless of his initial intentions, I know he would never try to hurt me. I know that he’s been trying to prove himself to me, to show me who he really is. I didn’t believe him the first time and it gives me all the reasons to want to trust him now. People have used me before for their own personal gain, but from the look in his eyes, the pain in his voice, I can tell that all he wanted was his family back and a chance at a real one. He doesn't need my money. He doesn't need my fame. From the way I've treated him, he's had limited options to get me to likehim.
That’s the reason why I walk closer to him and as his hands fall from his neck, I wrap my arms around his middle, resting my head on his chest. I feel the exact moment he relaxes, where his heartbeat steadies and his arms wrap around me.
Sometimes, no matter how much he makes me want to rip out my hair, I want to be close to him. It feels like no matter how far apart we can try to get from each other, how much we can piss each other off, there’s always this string tugging us closer together. Needing each other. Even if that was just to argue or shout, we've always needed this. Each other.
“Are we going to be okay?” he asks into my hair.
“I still think I’m going to need some time to really mull it over, but... I don’t know,” I say truthfully. I want, more than anything, to give him the second chance he deserves from the hell I’ve put him through. But I also need to get my emotions and feelings in check. Weirdly enough, therapy has been helping with that and I want it to continue.
“Are you angry with me?” he asks, and his strangled voice breaks my heart. I look up at him, resting my chin on his chest. I watch his throat contract as he swallows before looking down at me.
“I don’t think I could give you a proper answer to that right now,” I admit. He nods, finally looking down at me. He’s going to have to understand that and be patient with me while I figure this out. He presses the softest kiss to my forehead, and I melt into his touch, sighing a true breath of relief.
“Is that- Can I still- Was that…” he mutters.
“It’s okay,” I say, resting my head on his chest again, turning my face away from him. “I want us to be mature about this, Evan. I don’t want to spiral. I’m so sick of doing that. You did something bad, you apologised, but I’m going to need to take a step back for a bit to figure my shit out.”
“Okay,” he says, softly, holding onto me tighter. “That’s okay. Anything you want.”
34
Scarlett
Sometimes, your best friends can help you so much. They can give you insane advice and make you realise you’ve done something stupid. They can tell you over and over, potentially lying to you to convince you you’re a fantastic person. Or they’re like my friends, who go back on their word every two seconds as well as changing the topic.
I came to them for advice on the Evan situation. They don’t know that we kissed.Three times.They also don’t know that I let him eat me out in the library and how much I fucking loved it. Those are the kind of memories I like to keep to myself for a late night and a battery-powered friend. If I told them, their advice would definitely change, and they’d be gloating about how right they were. They said that breaching that sexual barrier would smooth things out, but it hasn’t. It only makes me want him more. I itch to be near him again. To touch him again. To have him whisper dirty things in my hair. To tell me I’m his good girl. It wasn’t like kicking a habit. It’s just like starting one.
I explained to them how we got closer and how he was in it for his family. Still, saying those words aloud did not make me feel any more resentment towards him. In fact, it helped me understand him.
