I nod, scanning over the sheet and trying to memorize the new pieces of information, but I can’t stop watching Scarlett. Every few seconds I look up to find her taking a deep breath or smoothing out her skirt, avoiding eye contact with me. I don’t evenwanther to look at me. I don’t think I could handle it. But I need to know what she’s thinking after what happened last week. I need to get inside her head and figure out if she’s freaking out about this just as much as I am.
We enter the classroom when the applause from the first group dies out, and I have to remind myself how hard we’veworked for this. How much time we’ve spent together trying to make sure this project is the best it can be.
What was once a string of ideas has turned into a comprehensive business plan that details our unique selling proposition, the process of production, and financial projections. We overcame setbacks with our different opinions on budget allocation and production methods, but if anything, those setbacks are going to be what Lawrencewantsto see. I know he wants to see how we’ve challenged each other, and as always, that’s what made the project even better.
I could practically do this presentation in my sleep by this point, so it doesn’t surprise me when Lawrence looks more than impressed and the class breaks out in applause at the end. The applause somehow feels that much greater when I turn to Scarlett and see the proud grin on her face. She should be proud of herself since shedidthink of most of the starting ideas for EcoElegance and boosted our project even more by sketching potential designs which took the fashion element to a whole other level.
I feel more relaxed when the presentation is over and I can breathe again. When Scarlett asks if I want to go to the library to work on finalizing our applications for the SEI, I just nod, following behind her.
We make our way to our usual study table that’s tucked away in one corner, a soft orange glow coming from the overhead lamp. We sit across from each other, and I pull out my laptop, sliding on my glasses to focus on my application.
“What’s wrong?” Scarlett asks after a round of silence. I don’t look up at her. “We fucking killed that, Branson.”
A smile twitches on my cheek. “We did.”
“Then why the long face?” I shrug and loosen my tie, popping the top few buttons of my shirt. “Evan.”
“What?”
“Can you talk to me? Or argue with me or . . . something. We’ve not spoken all day, it’s freaking me out.”
“I’m talking to you right now, aren’t I?” I fire back, finally looking at her. Her eyebrows are pinched together in concentration, or anger. Or both.
The truth is, I don’t knowhowto talk to her. What is the socially acceptable way to act around someone you’ve had an intense rivalry with your whole life after you made out with them against a tree? Whatever this is, I’m not good at it. And I don’t know when or if things can go back to normal.
Scarlett scoffs. “Don’t be an ass.” I’m about to retort something about how I’ve always been an asshole, but the words don’t come. Scarlett rests her elbows on the table, leaning closer to me.
“What’s with the ties?” Her question catches me off guard. I pause, meeting her eyes. “You wear them all the time, but you never tie them. Not properly anyway. I thought you’d tighten it to look more presentable, but you never do.”
“It’s just a fashion choice,” I answer, shrugging. I’m lying, and I know she can tell I’m lying. My skin itches, but I tell myself that I don’t need to scratch my arm or roll up my sleeves or do anything to combat the compulsion. But the more I tell myself that, the more I feel like I need to dosomethingto make me relax. If not, there’s a very real chance I could die.
I tap my finger against my knee three times. Then six. Then nine. Scarlett watches, but she doesn’t say anything for a while.
“A fashion choice?” she echoes softly. There’s a sincerity in her voice that makes me think she’s not trying to make fun of me for once—like she actually wants to know. It’s unsettling.
I take in a deep breath, hating that I’m even admitting this out loud. “It’s a mental game I play with myself.”
“What kind of game?”
I sigh, not wanting to overwhelm her or bore her with a conversation that’s not going to be productive. Talking about my mental health is usually reserved for therapy or when my dad thinks we need to have another ‘talk.’ It’s definitely not the kind of conversation I want to have with Scarlett. But I see the way she relaxes, the way her eyes soften, and she lets down her guard just slightly. There’s no judgment in her eyes, and a part of me craves that connection. To let her see me the way she’s let me see her.
I give in to the itch on my skin and I scratch the back of my neck, the repeated motion soothing me for a second. “I have OCD. It’s not that serious. Well, I guess it is, but it’s not as bad as it used to be. I’m getting better at dealing with it.”
Her eyes don’t widen like I thought they would, but her gaze flickers to my tie and then back up to me. “Evan—”
I cut her off and continue. “The tie thing is to remind myself that I have some sort of control in my life. That leaving it untied is somehow me proving to myself that I’m not legitimately crazy even when I feel that way.”
“Evan.”
“When I was a kid and I was told something was wrong with me, I was so desperate to feel like I was normal that I’d do anything tonotfeel that way, and it only made it worse because the more I’d try to fit in, the more anxious I’d get that I wasn’t doing things the right way, and—”
“Evan.”
I drop my eyes to the papers in front of me, and I let out a short laugh. “You don’t have to feel sorry for me. We’ve never felt sorry for each other. It’s just something I have to live with and—”
“Ev, Jesus Christ. Can you breathe for a second?” Scarlett’s tone snaps me out of the spiral I was slipping into, and my eyes meet hers. Her eyes are like golden pools of sunshine, and I get drawn into them the same way the moon pools in the tide.They soften, each feature on her face becoming more beautiful as understanding dawns on her.
“You just called me ‘Ev,’ ” is the only thing I can manage.
