Even thinking about disobeying a direct command from the king of the gods has that ache in my gut swelling, a chasm inside of myself that I wish I could vanish into.
‘I think Demeter thought that if you believed it was her idea then it might feel easier for you.’
‘Nothing could possibly –’ I cut myself off. If we keep talking I’ll say something that will undo everything. Thankfully, that’s the moment we crest the trees and reach the river, where nymphs start squealing and rushing towards us.
Cyane is a river nymph too, a naiad, but one Mother favours. As a general rule, Mother doesn’t like nymphs very much. Their ethics don’t align with hers and that scares her.
But they also helped her when she first arrived here, scavenged tinder and helped her build a shelter. They made this island a home. I doubt Mother imagined she’d stay here after the war she fled was over, but I also doubt she imagined all the things the gods would do when they won, the things she’s protected me from by keeping me here.
I suppose she sees my friendship with the nymphs as a sacrifice, something she puts up with in exchange for keeping me on this island with no one else for company.
Eudokia and Myrrha reach me first, squeezing me and shrieking in delight.
‘Kore,’ Eudokia gushes. ‘Can you believe this is finally happening?’
‘Oh, I can’t wait to meet your man,’ Myrrha says. ‘I bet he’ll be gorgeous, all swollen muscles and glistening skin and wavy hair.’
‘I simply hope he is kind,’ I reply. What else can I say? Any agreement with them will get back to my mother and I’ll get another round of lectures about desire.
‘Come on, hope for more than that!’ Eudokia says, twirling her thin blonde hair round her finger wistfully. ‘I think he’ll have the most stunning eyes; they’ll be the colour of the sea and he’ll have hair the colour of the sun.’
‘So you want me to marry Apollo?’ I ask dryly. Eudokia has been going on about him since we were children.
Eudokia’s pink, sunburnt nose wrinkles. ‘I wish, but you can’t very well marry another child of Zeus.’
It hasn’t stopped gods before. There are even rumours that my parents are siblings, though they’re unfounded. My grandfather Kronos overthrew his own father to become king of the Titans and was so scared that someone else might grow up to steal his crown that he snatched children from the other Titans and swallowed them whole. Then he had his own son and decided to eat him too. But his wife, Rhea, tricked him and managed to smuggle their child, Zeus, away to safety. When he was older, Zeus tricked Kronos into throwing the other gods up. Kronos had used all his powers to freeze the children within time before he swallowed them. They came out perfectly preserved.
Baby Hera woke first, the woman who would go on to become queen of the gods. Months later, my mother and Poseidon, king of the court of Oceanus, gasped in their cribs. I think everyone had almost given up on Hades and Hestia when they finally woke screaming years later. The other godshad grown by then, and were weary with battle. Hades and Hestia were still children when the war ended and Hades was made king of Hell and Hestia goddess of the hearth.
I like Hestia, I do. But I kind of hate her too.
I think my father wishes she were his daughter instead of me. Goddess of the hearth and happy to be – she’d rather be home than anywhere else. Hestia asked my father to be allowed not to marry, and he agreed so quickly that when I found out I burned a meadow down in my rage. I’d begged for that, pleaded, and received only his laughter in return, his assertions that he’d already lost two daughters to eternal virginhood; another and the gods of the court would rage. It took all my talents with flowers to revive the meadow’s dead, charred remains. Hestia is who I could be if I just accepted my role in this world, never chafed against it. If I was just perfect.
And she’s not stupid either – she knows there’s power in the home. It’s just power that Zeus overlooked. Xenia is one of the most powerful bonds in the world, second only to an oath on the river Styx.
Hestia wanted power and she found it in what my father gave her – unlike me, too headstrong to think about being subtle.
‘Well, at least that means you can leave Apollo for me,’ Eudokia continues, unaware of the way I’m spiralling.
‘Why, so you can end up being another Daphne?’ I ask. Poor Daphne, turned into a tree to escape the predatory pursuits of Apollo. I’ll say many things about Mother, but the threats she’s protected me from all these years are very real. Daphne’s story was taught to me as a fairy tale – better to be a tree than defiled. That’s what passes for a happy ending in the court of Olympus.
Eudokia scowls. ‘Please, like you’d turn down Apollo.’
‘Besides, why was Daphne even on the bank if she didn’t want Apollo’s affections?’ Myrrha asks. My stomach turns.
‘Come on, we have so many other things to chat about! You must be so excited,’ Amalthea says. ‘Come, sit with us a while.’
It’s a beautiful day, the sun shining so hot the air ripples, the water and sky a shade of blue I’ve never been able to replicate in flowers. The breeze catches the scent of the ocean and everywhere I look there is life. The goddess of the harvest and the goddess of flowers trapped on an island with only nature spirits for company? It’s paradise.
I miss it already.
I never want to look back.
‘Do you know which gods your mother is meeting with?’ Amalthea asks.
I shake my head. ‘No, it’s not my place to know.’ A line, verbatim, from my mother’s mouth, though it sounds like something my father has said to her. ‘Besides, I’m sure Mother’s judgement in this is better informed than mine. Her choice will be far more sensible.’ That one’s all Mother.
‘A sensible choice,’ Eudokia jeers. ‘Do stop it. I want to know how hot the options are.’
