But philia and ludus? They worry me.
I do not love Hades on the level of the soul – philia – but sometimes, when I let that vice I keep on my emotions slip, I feel like I could. Surely love is not a choice, but I feel so often that I’m standing on a precipice, and the only thing keeping me from falling is choosing not to. I sometimes fear that philia would be very easy to fall into.
And ludus, that playful love … what is our teasing and our jokes if not ludus? It is that light-as-air feeling I get when our smiles meet.
It’s easy to admit I love him.
Harder to figure out in which way.
‘What are you thinking?’ he asks.
I desperately scramble for anything that’s not my actual thoughts and land not too far away. ‘Thank you. For doing this, I mean. It’s a lot, giving up your one shot at a happy marriage for me.’
‘Believe me, I was never going to wind up in a happy marriage.’
‘You don’t know that. This is a sacrifice and I’m grateful.’
‘Well, I’m not doing this for your gratitude,’ he says. ‘I’m doing this because it’s the right thing to do. As far as I’m concerned, it’s not even a choice.’
‘Romantic.’ I laugh.
He doesn’t.
‘Oh, you’re not going to brood over me saying thank you, are you?’ I ask and then drain my cup. ‘Refill my wine, would you?’
I clamber to my feet and move to the lake. Mother appears as I run my fingers through the water. She is making the journey to Olympus.
‘I’m not brooding,’ he grumbles but there’s a lightness to his words that’s been missing.
‘Sure you’re not, darling.’
‘That’s what sold it.’ He points to me as I turn and I’m almost too distracted by the sight of him, sprawled on that rocky floor. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so relaxed.
I flush as thoughts of what could be done on this rocky floor fill my mind.
‘My face?’ I ask, managing a look of disbelief.
‘That smirk.’ Hades smiles lazily and I wonder if it is only the wine putting him at such ease. ‘That amused, satisfied smirk – like you have everything you want and you’re revelling in the fact no one can take it from you.’
‘I wasn’t always faking it.’ There were moments tonight when I felt like maybe I did have some power, and maybe I did have everything I wanted.
‘I know. That’s what makes you so difficult – and so convincing. You do the same things in a lie that you do in truth,’ he says.
I’m not sure how I feel about being called difficult, but I suppose as long as it’s working I don’t care too much.
‘Can you stop analysing me and give me my wine so we can enjoy watching my parents’ plans collapse?’ I ask.
He waves to the full cup beside him and I join him on the rocky floor just as my mother reaches Zeus.
It’s always a shock to see my father on his throne. I have seen him on it in person only once. The megaron looks just like Hades’ – just likemine. There’s something so repulsive about seeing Zeus sitting there, his beard uncut and hair ragged beneath the confines of his crown. He is simultaneously trying too hard and not at all. He has nothing like the raw power Hades commands.
‘Take a sip every time Mother calls me “my daughter”,’ I mutter.
‘And every time Zeus threatens someone,’ Hades adds.
‘Down your cup every time the person he threatens is you,’ I say, and I’m met by that rich laugh of his.
The rough wall is digging into my back and gods I wish it were Hades’ side I was leaning into instead.
