I checked every nook and cranny of my luggage, certain he’d have hidden a note somewhere about how much he loved and missed me—just like he did in London. But I found nothing.
When I called him, he was at another party, holding the phone aloft to yell, “Everybody, say hi to Nadine—yes, NadineHeywood. You know, fromDreadbase? The jumpsuit? Yeah, that’s her!”
I mumbled something back, told him to ring me when he was alone, and hung up. The phone never rang.
The next time I was back in LA, he chartered a catamaran—clinging just close enough to the coastline for the lenses to reach us. I thought it would be atmospheric, but it wasn’t—he’d invited half of Hollywood, and the party was in full swing, cameras snapping like a second beat while I clung to the edges, trying to keep my eyes on the horizon and not think about every rolling wave beneath me and the alcohol in the air and definitely trying not to vomit.
This was what girls like Harper wanted. Fame and celebrity were the benefits of acting, not a game you played to allow you to pursue your craft.I didn’t want to be them, I thought, just as my nausea gave way and I emptied the contents of my stomach into the Pacific below.
Now, I longed for nothing more than to book a hotel with Oisín for a whole weekend and never leave it. I wanted to order room service and talk and fuck and lean my head against his chest to listen to his heartbeat.
“You know we can’t do that,” he’d said. “We have to be purposeful right now.”
“Oisín, please …”
“I love you too much to let you do this, Nadine. I know what your dreams mean to you. Well, this is how we get them.”
Which was, reluctantly, true. So we went to the beachinstead, let ourselves be photographed kissing on the sand, me wearing his shirt over my bikini so no one could get too gratuitous a shot. He wanted to go clubbing, but I drew the line at that—the boat had been bad enough. I was trying to brand myself as a serious actress, not a party girl.
“What do you want?” he’d snapped, clearly annoyed.
“Romance!”
“Well, what the fuck does romance look like to you?”
A lack of cameras, for one.
Don’t misunderstand me, I would have happily pretended to date a costar. I would have let myself be shot wherever, doing whatever, if it furthered my ambition. But this was real. I didn’t like the way it had blurred the line.
Oisín to me was notes pinned to the fridge and flowers in my hotel room—love like an arrow, shot cleanly at me. Now he took that affection and spun it not in a direct line but outward. Diluted for the cameras, it all felt hollow. I wanted privacy. I wanted intimacy. I wanted what we once had and what I could now feel slipping through my fingers.
“You need that answered, Oisín? Dinner, movies, take me bowling for Christ’s sake—that would be a shot wouldn’t it? Small-town sweethearts—”
“We’re film stars, Nadine. We don’t get to be small-town anymore.”
I fell in love with Oisín in the quiet woodland, in the quaint bars of Vienna, in a damp room on a crooked street of London.
And I fell out of love with him in front of a camera with the whole world watching.
———
BeforeWherever You Aredebuted, I took on a few more bit parts, including some on TV and a second major role in a smaller film.Leave a Light Onwas a tender story, almost entirely shot on the same lot in Alberta. It was about people, pure and simple. It was bleak yet hopeful. I loved it.
“I don’t get it,” Oisín had said when I showed him the script. “You don’t need to rush into another job. Stay here for a while, stir up the press, and wait. Don’t waste your time on bit parts like this. A big studio will come calling. You could be the star of the next big franchise hit if you play your cards right.”
“That’s not what I want.”
I had nothing against that—if the right franchise came along, of course I’d be interested. But that’s what I needed:interest.I wanted the opportunity to take on projects I adored and roles that meant something to me. I was living my dream, and—during the weekdays at least—I was loving every minute of it.
I felt more myself than ever.
And evidently this wasn’t the version of me he wanted.
———
Those were the moments of doubt I ignored until they reached their crescendo. Oisín attended few auditions, rocked up to set late, left early, and started drinking in between. (“It’s notlike I’m sitting home alone nursing a beer, Nadine! I’m out with the people who matter, the ones who are going to take me far. Of course I’m having a drink or two!”).Wherever You Aredebuted to moderate success and plenty of praise.Code Deltaflopped.
He was furious.
