Apparently I wasn’t the only one.
Joel Ingram and Harper Moore Share
Steamy New Year’s Kiss at Star-Studded
Party on West Hollywood’s Strip
Rang some headlines, while others opted for:
Nadine Gaywood: Starlet Rings in the New Year at Iconic LGBT Bar
Which was one of the funnier things that happened during my time in New York: I became a queer icon. Gathered amongst names like Madonna, Cher, and Judy Garland, I became one of those divas adored by my own community but whoobviouslywasn’t a part of it.
I’d never kept my queerness a secret; it was more that no one cared to see it. But now here I was, darling of the New York gay scene andstillevery time they snapped me kissing a woman it was seen as more of the result of thebarthan thegaypart of the headline.Oh look, Nadine Heywood’s had a few too many drinks. She’s being silly, flippant, fun. It’s nice seeing her with friends, isn’t it? Such a cute celebration of girl power.
I was too preoccupied to care.
I was cutting loose, but I’ll be honest, it was still in a veryNadinesort of way.
I thought if I could schedule it, wrangle it into a shape that fit my life, I could control it. I could calculate when I’d need to be sober by, work around rehearsals and performances, and still put on one hell of a show.
For a while, I did.
I was starring inHedda Gableron Broadway. If acting was the only time I felt normal, I’d determined to do it as muchas possible, and hence the theater beckoned. I also thought it might be useful to reconnect to what I missed from drama school and prevent those skills from drying up—especially all that time spent learning how to perform beyond the front row.
Which is where Harper sat on opening night, Joel Ingram’s arm around her shoulder and her nestled right into his side.
She was so offensively happy.
Which she was clearly here to show me.
Well, whatever. Who wasn’t fucking happy around here? Hedda was vicious, cold, and wounded. I could play that well.
I told the backstage crew to let Harper through, Joel in tow. His name had made it across the Atlantic in a big way after the 1998 World Cup, his football career gaining steady momentum, but his modeling, acting, and TV personality career was skyrocketing.
From the way he clutched Harper’s waist, it was clear cups weren’t the only thing he cared to win. I couldn’t take my eyes off the broad span of his hand on her.
I won’t pretend he wasn’t handsome, but to me he just never fit with Harper—even there, even right before me. She was sleek beauty and polished ease, whereas he wasrough: messy hair and scruff on his chiseled jaw, thick, overgrown brows, and such an athletic build the muscles seemed to leap from him.
Still there was a tension between them, a mirroring, something I wasn’t even sure they noticed and something that made me furious.
“How lovely to meet the second most important personin Harper’s life,” Joel said, reaching out a hand and already laughing.
Well, that statement made me even angrier.
Harper ignored it. “That role was meant for you,” she said—which was hardly a compliment with a character like that, and I surmised that Harper was calling me a crafty, underhanded bitch.
And though I was yet to learn it: a woman who would do anything to avoid being under someone else’s control.
“I want you to know,” she said, putting on one hell of a performance of sincerity. “That with our history I didn’t think it appropriate to reach out. But Iamsorry for your loss.”
“Thank you, Harper,” I said—because she was clearly saying it for Joel’s benefit, and I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of telling her to shove it in front of him, so she could walk away and say,See, I told you that’s what she’s like.
“Well,” she said, a little disappointed. I felt her eyes dip behind me—saw them catch on my dressing table. The scattered makeup, the discarded accessories, and, of course, that old faux-turquoise necklace. A talisman of luck, despite everything. Harper swallowed and looked back to me. “Break a leg for the rest of the run.”
———
I was surrounded by people in New York, especially with the way I was going about things, partying until dawn and still turning up for 7 a.m. run-throughs.
