She leveled me with her heavy-lidded gaze and moved one hand to the side of my face. A wry smile captured her lips. “Isn’t it obvious?”
But gods, I wanted to hear her say it. “Tell me.”
“I want you.”
And even though it was everything I craved to hear, it was the very thing that gave me pause. A selfish, reckless part of me begged to give her what she so obviously desired. But I’d listened to that voice before. It hadn’t ended well. Achingly slow, I brushed my lips against hers. “I can’t do this…”
Her breath hitched. “Why…?”
“It’s not that I don’t want to. Gods, Leena. I want to.” I trailed my hand along the curve of her side. “You have no idea how badly I want to.” I desperately needed to wrap myself in her scent, to have her on me, so when she left, I could taste her for days to come. But I couldn’t give her what we both truly desired—not as I was.
Skirting my fingers along her thighs, I moved beneath the hemline of her loose dress and cursed under my breath. Yanked my hand back. I wasn’t sure I trusted myself enough to be careful. Her life was more important than this.
Slowly, I took a step back.
The space between us cut like a blade, and she winced. “If you want to, then why do you keep pulling away? Is it me? Did I do something? I know you’re upset about the Myad, but—”
“It’s not about the Myad.” This wasn’t her fault, not in the slightest. She was innocent in this, and if she started to blame herself for my actions… I couldn’t live with that. She deserved better.
She deserved the truth.
Sinking to the edge of the bed, I gripped the back of my neck. I’d kept this secret for so long. It was too hard to explain. Curses, while not unheard of, were rare. Explaining that my detachment was necessary to protect others always sounded like an excuse. Far-fetched and unbelievable. The only thing that confirmed it would be their failing health, and I wasn’t willing to put anyone in harm’s way for the sake of proving a point.
“I think it’s time we talked.”
Her gaze narrowed, but she didn’t move for the door or shout at me for leaving her high and dry. Again. I had her for the moment, and sheneededto understand.Ineeded her to understand.
Swallowing, I stared down at my hands, at the lines of fate etched across my palms, and prepared to tell her about the horrid curse I couldn’t outrun. I only prayed she’d listen. That she’d hear it as truth and finally see that, no matter what, we couldn’t be.
Not like this. Not without a Gyss.
Twenty-two
Leena
I leaned against the wall, watching Noc. I’d expected some reluctance, but his dismissal still burned. At least he was talking to me. Trying to explain whatever ridiculous reason he had for pushing me away. Folding my arms across my chest, I waited. Conflicting emotions broke over his expression. He pinched his nose. Sighed.
“I’m cursed.”
“What? How?” I took a moment to gather my thoughts. It seemed ridiculous—impossible—but I could hear the truth in his words. Whatever Noc meant, he was in dead earnest.
When he spoke again, his voice was even, as if he were reciting some long-forgotten history and not the bitter truth that kept tearing us apart. “A high priestess did it. A long time ago, before I was raised from the dead. If I start to care about someone and they return my feelings, they die.”
I took a careful step toward him, half expecting him to flee. “High priestesses only work for royalty and the gods.”
His eyebrow twitched. “It’s safe to say we weren’t ‘working’ together.”
“I see.”
“This curse… It’s made being around people difficult. I can’t get close with my brethren. Forming new relationships is tenuous at best. Most of the time, people fade away because I’m too detached.”
Even as he said it, he pulled away from me. Called shadows to his form and surrounded his limbs in darkness. As if that would keep his hands from acting of their own volition. Slowly, his actions started to click into place. The detached demeanor. The contradicting nature of our conversations. His fiery curiosity and intense gaze that he constantly kept in check. The realization tugged at my heartstrings and threatened to bring tears to my eyes.
He kept talking, his words falling like weights. How it must have hurt him to carry the brunt of this alone. “I don’t want to be like this. But if I let myself get that far, someone dies. Always. Staying one step ahead of my emotions, controlling my reactions and measuring others’ feelings—it’s a constant necessity. It’s the only way to keep everyone safe.”
“I couldn’t imagine…” My throat thickened as my words trailed off. Sothat’swhy he pulled away. Hehadsensed that connection between us, the one that sparked fear and longing in my heart. The connection that shouldn’t have been there. I swallowed. Hard. “You should know, I don’t do love—or anything remotely close to it, for that matter.”
Something flickered in his gaze. Hurt? Happiness? I didn’t know. “What?”
