I should tell her these things, but I also want to stay—more than anything—I want to stay here with her. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want the crack inside me to widen, for the ocean of loneliness to creep in. I don’t want to drown.
And I don’t want her to drown either. To suffocate on the same thing: the hurt we both keep stuffed deep inside.
So I keep my mouth shut.
I close the door, and the curtains settle back against the wall; her hair falls back to her shoulders. My hands tremble just a little, and I step toward her. My breathinghitches, claws, scrapesagainst my ribs. My fingers want to reach out for her, touch the palm of her hand, the long line of her forearm, the curve of her collarbone, where her skin is pink and flushed. I want to disobey the beating of my own heart, telling me to leave.
I want to let myself feel this thing I don’t understand. The wings in my throat and the itch at my fingertips.
I don’t want to be the villain.
But then the front door swings open and someone brushes past me into the house, smelling of booze and rose perfume.
NORA
Suzy strides into the living room, coat zipped up to her chin, snowflakes dusting her shoulders and hair.
“It’s so damn cold,” she proclaims, slamming the door shut and brushing past Oliver to the woodstove. Her cheeks and nose are red, and she holds out her hands, warming them over the fire.
I look to Oliver, but his expression is slack.
“What happened?” I ask Suzy. “I thought you were staying at the camp?”
“Rhett’s a jerk,” she says, brushing the hair from her forehead with a flick of her hand, and I can tell she’s been drinking. Maybe they found another bottle of alcohol in the camp kitchen, and they’ve been taking shots back at the boys’ cabin. “He said I shouldn’t trust you.” Her eyes tick to mine, bloodshot and watery. “He said we’ll get in trouble because of you, because you know too much.”
The room feels suddenly airless, vibrating along my periphery. I glance at Oliver again, but he’s taken a step back. He barely even looks my way—like his own thoughts are clouding his vision.
“I don’t know anything,” I tell Suzy, facing her again.
But she continues talking, like she doesn’t even hear me. “I toldhim he’s an asshole and he can sleep alone tonight.” She waves a hand dismissively in the air, her head rolling to one side, like she can barely keep herself upright. I’m surprised she stood up for me—surprised and grateful. Maybe she does think we’re friends. And for a moment I want to reach out and hug her.
“Men are jerks,” she blurts out, and her eyes swivel around the room, blinking on Oliver. I wonder if she’s going to say something to him—call him a jerk too, say that he’s just like all the rest. But then her gaze wheels back to the woodstove, like she’s going to be sick.
“Maybe you should sit down,” I say, touching her shoulder.
She flinches away and swivels herself toward the couch, plops onto the cushions, and pulls the blankets up to her throat in one swift motion. She closes her eyes and mutters, “Sing me a song, Nora.” Like she’s a little kid who wants a bedtime story. Tea and cookies and a kiss to the forehead.
“Suzy?” I ask softly, but a soft snore escapes her mouth. She’s already asleep.
Her hair lies draped across her cheekbone, her mouth slack, and I wonder if she’ll remember any of this by morning. If she’ll remember what the boys said.
“I’m sorry,” Oliver says behind me. He moves closer, and just his proximity makes my stomach ache. Deep and strange. Sailor’s knots inside my belly.
“For what?”
His voice is low when he speaks, like he doesn’t want to wake Suzy—but I doubt she’ll be stirring anytime soon. “For what those guys said.”
“I’m used to people talking about me,” I tell him, shaking myhead and letting the side of my mouth tug into a smirk. I want him to see that it doesn’t bother me, that I’m stronger than he might think. But still, I touch my grandmother’s ring and let my mind click over everything the boys said at the bonfire, how they talked about voices in their cabin, how they weren’t sure who to blame: Oliver or Max.
They’re just paranoid, I think.
They’re hearing things that aren’t really there.
“I don’t need to stay here,” Oliver says, his voice cautious, as if he doesn’t really mean the words he says. His eyes stray to Suzy, now occupying the couch—the place where he’s slept the last two nights. “I can find somewhere else.”
It’s odd how easily you can fool yourself into believing there is nothing to fear. How easily you can look at a boy you hardly know and trust every word that leaves his lips. Maybe I am a fool. Or maybe the buzzing, tenuous feeling in the center of my chest, the fragile stutter of my heartbeat, means something. Maybe there is truth in that feeling.
A feeling I shouldn’t ignore.
