“I’m sorry, but my answer is no,” I say firmly. “Our relationship is over. It has been for a long time.”
Rocky gives me a long, hard stare, searching my expression for weak points. When he finds none, I see a flash of surprise flit through his features before he nods in glum resignation.
“Okay,” he concedes. “But if you ever change your mind, just know that I will be right here, waiting for you.”
Isla and Levi are making their way over to us now.
“Hungry,” Levi says. Isla nods. “I’m starving too.”
“Well then, we’d better get you kids something to eat,” Rocky replies. “What do you say we go grab a bite? All together as a family, just like old times?”
Isla’s face lights up with hope. Then the corners of her mouth fall slightly as she glances over at me, a question in her eyes. She’s watching my reaction, wants to see if I’m going to reject the idea. As badly as I’d like to, I can’t stand the thought of breaking her heart. Besides, it’s just one night. Rocky is heading back to LA in the morning and then we get to enjoy our last two weeks here in peace.
“Sure,” I say, acquiescing, and Isla’s smile reignites to its full luminescence. “Dinner sounds great.”
“Perfect,” she says softly. “As a family.”
Something in my chest twists at her words. I have no interest in reconciling with Rocky. But it hurts to know my daughter is still clinging to the fantasy of our family becoming whole again. And worse, that I just turned down his offer to make it happen.
For a moment, I can see us all from the outside. The sun starting to set, the lavender sky reflecting off the water like a pool of melted sherbet. It’s all so picturesque, the perfect closing shot. In another world, this moment would be one of reunion. Things set back theway they were, the way they should be, with the four of us as one again. Am I selfish to deprive my children of a stable home with the classic set of two loving parents? Rocky and I don’t agree on everything. He has made countless mistakes—of course I have too. But how much of that is life? And how much of that is the kind of thing you’re supposed to work on? Couples therapy is a thing for a reason.
Rocky gave up on us first. Then me. Do we owe it to the kids to try harder? Especially now, when I’m the only holdout?
Rocky claps his hands together, the sound of it clearing away my reverie.
“Why don’t you guys go inside and get changed? We can leave in ten?”
Isla and Levi beam and run inside. I look to my ex, see the love there in his eyes for those two perfect kids, and something in my heart aches like a bruise being pressed.
He turns to me and gives me a flash of that smile that has gotten him so far in this world. So far with me.
“I better get changed,” he says. “Thanks for hearing me out.”
“Of course.” My voice comes out like gravel. I clear it. “I’ll be inside in a sec.”
He nods and then presses himself off the rail and goes inside, leaving me in the waning sunset to wonder just how much my happiness should cost.
31MARISSA
Rocky heads back to LA the following morning. Both of my kids sleep past eight, which feels simultaneously thrilling and worrisome. Levi seems especially out of sorts when he finally wakes up. He refuses to eat the chocolate-chip pancakes that have been sitting in front of him for nearly ten minutes, then cries when he takes a bite and discovers they’re cold. I reassure myself that he’s just exhausted from the travel.
But things don’t improve by the following day. He’s overly emotional, dissolving into tears over every little thing. I shoot off a worried text to his therapist, who reminds me that post-vacation letdown is a struggle for kids on the spectrum and suggests that I help him process it by asking questions about the trip. He’s not interested in talking, though; he’s verbally shut down in the way he always does when overstimulated. I consider canceling our evening plans—Shelby had invited me to a midweek family dinner, and when my kids came home unexpectedly, she extended the invite. Between the mountain of post-trip laundry that awaits and my increased sense of helplessness at Levi’s plummeting mood, I’m sort of relieved to have an excuse to get out of the house. Plus, Isla lit up when I told her that we were going to visit Jesse and thatwe’d be dining with a three-year-old. She’s always adored younger children.
I do my best to distract the kids by spending the second half of the day outside. Levi refuses to go out to the water, opting instead to sit on a chair in the shade. His attention is fixed on a pair of Matchbox cars, which he rolls over the arm of the chair while muttering to himself. He’s happy, at least for the time being, so I let him be.
When I get back inside and check my phone, I see I have three missed calls from Pooja. I call her back and she picks up on the first ring.
“Kegan and I just spoke to Netflix,” she says as a greeting. “They’re thrilled to have you attached and plan to green-light the project.”
“Pooja, that’s great!” It takes a beat for her tone to register. “It is great, right?”
She lets out a long sigh. “No, it’s great. They are really excited about the adaptation. But they have contingencies.”
“Like what?”
“Like they are not on board with having Lina Romano direct.”
“Oh.” I bite down on my bottom lip. “Well, I’m sure you have another great option in mind.”
