In fact, the last time I saw Sarah McHale, I was pretty terrible to her.
I’d gotten a hall pass during Senior English to use the bathroom. Mrs. Keebler, our usual teacher, wasn’t the type to allow students out of class, even to use the bathroom, so normally I never left until the bell rang. But Mrs. Keebler was out that day, and we had a more lenient substitute, Mr. Shockley. He was one of those young guy teachers who told us we could call him Keith and let students cuss in class. He was on the usual rotation of substitute teachers, so we all knew him pretty well, and none of us were surprised when he suggested we pull out our phones and discuss the poetry of our favorite bands.
That March, my playlist was full of Christian rock and breakup songs, and I really wasn’t in the mood to discuss either with my classmates. So when it was almost my turn to pick a song, I decided it was a good time to go pee, and Mr. Shockley handed over the hall pass.
The girls’ bathroom was around the corner and down the hall, past the computer lab. I remember the door was open when I walked by. I even remember glancing inside and everything looking completely normal. Ms. Taylor was at her desk, a handful of students were on their computers, talking and laughing with the kids around them. It was just so ordinary that it’s hard to imagine what happened only a few minutes later.
Anyway, when I got to the bathroom, it was empty. But almost as soon as I entered the stall, I heard Sarah and Lee walk in. I didn’t know Lee very well at the time—just that she was Sarah’s best friend. Sarah and I had gone to the same church since we were kids, though. Our families often shared a pew at Virgil County Baptist. I liked Sarah, she was a sweet girl, but she hadn’t been coming to the Fellowship of Christian Students meetings lately.
I found out why when she and Lee started talking.
“How bad is it?” Sarah asked.
“Not that bad. Your shirt mostly hides it.”
“Maybe I can cover it with foundation?” I could hear her purse unzipping. “It’s a good thing you noticed. If my parents saw this, they’d lose it.”
“It’s ridiculous that you can’t have a boyfriend until you’re sixteen.”
“I know. I’m trying to get them to change the rule, but if they find out I got a hickey behind the shop building when I was supposed to be at an FCS meeting … I’d probably be locked in my room until I’m thirty.”
Sarah was in the middle of rubbing foundation over a tiny bruise, just above the collar of her shirt, when she saw me. Her dark eyes went wide. Lee glanced at me, too, and she moved protectively in front of Sarah, as if she could hide what her friend was doing. It was too late, though.
“I was going to ask you where you’ve been the last few Tuesdays,” I said, “but I guess I have my answer.”
“Oh my gosh, Ash. I’m sorry. I just—”
“Hey, I get it. Who needs Jesus when you have boys that’ll suck on your neck?”
I knew I was being mean, but I couldn’t stop myself. She was breaking her parents’ rules and lying and skipping out on FCS meetings—things I never did—but she didn’t seem to feel lost at all. On top of that, this little freshman had a boyfriend, someone she liked enough to sneak around with, and I’d just been through a breakup. I was lonely and she wasn’t. I was struggling and she wasn’t. And it was so easy to tear her down a little.
Sarah’s round face turned tomato red. “You aren’t going to …”
“Tell your parents? No,” I said. “If you feel comfortable telling lies, why should I stop you? Just remember, though. They might not know what you’re doing, but God does.”
Both Sarah and Lee watched me as I walked to the sink and washed my hands. When I looked up into the mirror, I realized there was one other person in the bathroom with us. Kellie Gaynor, in all of her black-clad glory, was standing in the corner, smoking a cigarette while she glared at me. I rolled my eyes at her.
I feel no regret about how I judged Kellie Gaynor back then. If anything, she ended up being worse than I thought.
When I finished, I grabbed a paper towel and dried my hands. “You’d better get back to class,” I told Sarah and Lee. “Or else you’ll have another lie to tell.”
Neither of them said a word to me as I walked out of the bathroom. I knew the bell would be ringing in a few minutes, and I hoped that if I walked back slowly enough, Mr. Shockley wouldn’t have time to make me pick a song from my phone to analyze.
At first I didn’t think twice about the silhouette of the boy standing in the computer lab doorway. Until I heard the popping.
I froze, right in the middle of the hallway. I’d been hunting with my dad enough times to know what that sound was.
Gunshots.
Gunshots a few feet from me.
Gunshots in my high school.
It didn’t make sense at first, which is why I just stood there, watching as, his back to me, fired into the computer lab. I couldn’t stop staring at his back, blankly wondering why he would shoot atcomputersof all things. Because the idea of him shooting people didn’t quite register.
Not until I looked down, at the sliver of classroom visible between his feet, and saw blood spreading across the carpet.
That’s when I ran. But it was like the way you run in a dream, when you feel like you are running as hard and fast as you can but you aren’t getting anywhere. The bathroom wasn’t actually that far from the computer lab, but it felt like it took forever to get there. Up ahead, coming from the other end of the hall, I saw two more people, Coach Nolan and Miles Mason, and I opened my mouth to shout to them.
