“Yeah! It’s a long drive, and Mom probably can’t afford to take that much time off work. And I’d … I’d love for you to come with me.”
“Good.”
“Good.”
We danced in silence for a few minutes after that. I hadn’t realized that we’d been drawing closer to one another until there was almost no space between us. It just felt right, being near him like this. It felt like all those nights on my roof, the calm that came with his arm around my shoulder or his fingers laced through mine. The sense of comfort that came just from having him near.
“You know,” he murmured, “tonight got off to a bad start, but … I’m glad you decided to come.”
“Me too.” The words came out as a whisper. “I know it took me a while to come around to the idea, but now that I’m here …”
“Yeah?”
“Now that I’m here, I … don’t think I’d want to be anywhere else tonight.”
He smiled, and his arms tightened around my waist. Despite my anxiety about the crowded gym and the incident with Tara, I felt overcome with this sense of ease. This feeling that I was safe.
Before I’d realized it, I’d taken a step closer, bridging the last bit of space between us, and rested my head on his shoulder. The fabric of his jacket was cool and soft beneath my cheek. I could feel his breath in my hair. Could smell the fresh mint of his soap. And everything was perfect.
Which was the problem.
When the song ended, it yanked me back to reality. The poppy beat of a new song was a sharp reminder that this was exactly what I didn’t want to happen.
I pulled away from Miles, and it was like stepping out of warm water and into the chill of winter. The sense of comfort faded away, and I was flooded with the fears I’d battled earlier that evening. It was all too overwhelming, moving from one extreme to another, and everything was swamped with fresh guilt.
“You okay?” Miles asked as I stepped away from him and pressed a hand to my forehead.
“I just need some air,” I said, stumbling back another step. “I’ll be back in a minute.”
Before he could say anything, I grabbed my handbag from a nearby chair and headed toward the closest exit.
I ended up out in the parking lot, the night breeze raising goose bumps on my bare arms. I leaned back against the brick wall of the building and took a few deep breaths.
Out in the open, away from the crowd, it was easier to let that familiar anxiety slip away again. But all that did was make the muddled feelings about Miles clearer. I’d told myself we’d just come as friends, that I’d keep my boundaries up and everything would be fine. But when I was dancing with him, I’d wanted more.
I always wanted more.
But then what?I asked myself.We date for a few months until I go to California, and he’ll eventually find another girl who actually wants to sleep with him.
I shook that thought away. It wasn’t being asexual that worried me. It was that, if we did break up, be it because of sex or just distance and time, I didn’t know what that would mean for us, for our friendship. I hadn’t cared about someone this much since Sarah, and God, if I lost Miles, I don’t know what I would do.
But this—getting close, pulling away, constantly building new, higher walls between us for safety—that could tear us apart, too.
I wanted to be with Miles, but I was scared. And I wanted Sarah there with me, to tell me what to do. I already knew what she’d say. She’d drag me back inside and tell me I was being ridiculous, that I should “kiss the boy already.”
I almost laughed imagining it.
And then I wanted to cry.
My phone buzzed in my purse. I pulled it out and saw a text from Mom. She’d sent along one of the photos of Miles and me in front of our house. This one’s my favorite, she’d typed. I took one look at the picture and closed the message. I needed to not think about Miles for a minute.
I found distraction in other text messages. I’d sent another to Kellie that morning, but she hadn’t responded. A couple of days earlier, I’d also started leaving voice mails. I didn’t even think twice about clicking her name and hitting the call button. Trying to get ahold of her felt so familiar at this point. Focusing on the letters, obsessing over collecting them, was easier than dealing with the issue right in front of me.
The call was on its third ring when the door next to me opened and Miles stepped out into the parking lot. “There you are,” he said. “You okay?”
I held up a hand, gesturing for him to wait as Kellie’s voice mail picked up.
“Hey, Kellie. This is Lee Bauer. Again. I hope you’re getting these messages. Listen, if you could give me a call back, I’d appreciate it. It’s really important. Okay. Bye.”
