I’m not sure why I’m so embarrassed. I’ve talked to Sol about liking girls before. Even brought up past crushes in my Growth Sessions. It’s always felt a little awkward, but he’s good at making things feel more comfortable. This, however, has my stomach flopping like a caught fish.
Again, I think of Rose, laughing and wrestling with me on the living room floor. The thought of dating her hasn’t actually crossed my mind. Sure, she’s beautiful and funny and she likes girls, but that doesn’t mean she’d likeme.
Still, the knowledge that it’s not even an option brings an unexpected sting of disappointment.
I shake it off as I go to find Lily, eager to collect on that offer to play with my hair. I could certainly use the relaxation right now. With the trials coming up and the stakes made clear, I have much bigger things to be concerned about than the vague spark of a crush on a girl who looks like a fairy tale princess.
IRIS
“All right. Spill the tea.”
Rose and I are bundled up in as much clothing as we could find in the cabin, with snow piled up to our calves, soaking through our shoes and socks, shovels in hand. We had a big snowfall last night, and the old dirt road that leads to the cabin doesn’t see the likes of snowplows. So we are the ones who have to dig Sol’s truck out and begin clearing as much of a path for it as we can so that he can drive into town tomorrow.
“Spill the tea about what?”
It’s been a couple of days since my Growth Session where Sol and I discussed the trials and the rules about dating. In that time, I haven’t really hung out with Rose.
Until today, at least, when Violet sent us out to work in the snow. It’s the first time we’ve been alone together since the night by the fire. Rose is nearly always with one of the other girls asthey show her the ropes or just ensure she’s feeling welcome and comfortable. The same way Lily had been with me in the first couple months of my time here. And at night, we’ve been so exhausted by a day of work that we never remained awake past the time when Poppy and Zinnia began to snore.
Part of me is embarrassed and guilty being alone with her, remembering Sol’s awkward warning and the disappointment it left me with. The other part is almost giddy at the prospect of spending time with her. Even if it is while we shovel through two feet of snow.
“About you,” she says. “What’s going on with you?”
“I’m not sure what you mean.”
Rose gives me an incredulous look. “Oh, come on,” she says. “You’ve been all kinds of weird the last few days. Quiet and distracted. Something’s clearly up.”
Heat creeps into my cheeks as I’m faced with the horror of being perceived. “Oh. Have I?”
“Youknowyou have.”
I know she’s right. My mind has been full of anticipation and worry, and it’s made me more distant than usual. Zinnia and Poppy are always willing to fill the silence in the attic, so I’dthought I was getting away with it. But clearly, Rose has noticed.
“I’ve just got a lot on my mind,” I say.
“Such as?”
I pause in my digging, reaching up to wipe beads of sweat—already half frozen—from my brow with the sleeve of the oversized jacket I found in Lily and Violet’s room. Rose stops digging, too, and looks at me as she leans on her shovel. Those big, bright green eyes search my face for a moment before she looks away.
“I’m sorry,” she says. “I’m being nosy. You can just tell me to shut up if I’m being too annoying.”
“No, it’s okay,” I tell her. “It’s just …”
I can’t tell her about the trials. It’s against the rules. But I don’t want to lie to Rose, either. So I take a minute to wrack my brain for a truthful, safe answer.
“I’ve just got stuff coming up with Sol. I can’t really talk about it.”
She raises an eyebrow. “Something to do with your anniversary?”
“Uh, yeah. Kind of.”
“You guys just made such a big deal out of it, I figured there had to be more to it,” she says. “So what’s the deal? What happens after you’ve been here a year?”
“Ican’t tell you.”
“Ugh. Right. Rules.” She rolls her eyes. “I’ve been told I’m bad with rules.”
I snort. “If you’re so curious, you can ask Sol.”
